Archive for category Stuff
Wooties: Meow
Woot Shirt, Meow
Cats Cats Cats!
3rd Place in Derby #321: Text as Art, with 208 votes!
Buzzfood Lists: 11 Broken Images Of Cats You Wish You Could See!
1. This cat who totally thinks he’s a dog!
2. This cat who totally thinks his an iguana!
3. This cat who totally thinks he’s a social media intern!
4. This cat who totally thinks he’s George Clooney!
5. This cat who is checking his bank balance on an ATM and then smiling at the result!
6. This cat who is running for and successfully winning the Mayorship of a small Nebraska town!
7. This cat who taking a bite of a burger at a fancy gastropub, complaining it is under cooked, and getting it removed from his bill!
8. This cat who’s solving the equation ([{15x^(7/2)y – e^(x)} * 7.6e] + [38/5]e)*e(x^2+[3/2y^3]) and explaining his reasoning to a group of young scientists!
9. This cat wearing a business suit, drinking a scotch, smoking a cigar, and reflecting on his long career in finance!
10. This cat preparing a duck to be roasted and substituting a mixture of cumin and cinnamon for a result that is unconventional but nonetheless tasty!
11. This cat who totally thinks he’s an officer in the French military circa 1501!
Wooties: Some Motivation Required
The One Million Years B.C. Diet
Woot Shirt, Some Motivation Required
1st place in Derby #83: Exercise, with 1445 votes!
With nary a Pilates class on the entire planet, how did our cave-bound ancestors develop the well-defined pecs and abs we see in textbook illustrations today? Of course, it wasn’t running from dinosaurs. The archaeological record suggests that early humans were bred as pack animals by the Vorgoxxii, a race of alien silicon miners from a planet beyond the stars. They only looked like dinosaurs.
Wear this shirt: so people know why you’re not exercising: lack of large predators in your area.
Don’t wear this shirt: under the assumption that it in any way refers to the novel or film known as Jurassic Park or any sequels or other works deriving therefrom, without express written consent of all parties with a valid claim to any portion or aspect of said intellectual property.
This shirt tells the world: “The real monster I’m running from is Little Debbie.”
We call this color: Tyrannosaurus Blax.
Wooties: Boba Fetch
Bringing new meaning to the term “hunting dog.”
Woot Shirt, Boba Fetch
2nd place in Derby #213: Dog Days, with 823 votes!
You ever watch Dog, a Bounty Hunter? No, not Dog the Bounty Hunter. Dog, a Bounty Hunter. It’s pretty similar to Dog the Bounty Hunter except instead of being about a big guy with tons of blond hair, it’s about an actual dog. And instead of going after people, he’s going after inanimate objects.
Oh man, there was this great one where Dog goes after a stick that posted bail after a hit-and-run but won’t show up for any of his court dates. So Dog has to go talk to the stick’s mom, a tree, and it’s totally obvious that she knows where the stick is but won’t tell. In the end Dog finds the stick hiding out in a pile of leaves, though, and buries him alive while the tree watches in terror. It’s pretty intense!
But my favorite episode was probably the one about the tennis ball. So the tennis ball totally stole its brother-in-law’s Camaro and so Dog hunts him down and brings him to the authorities (his owner). But for some reason whenever you think they’ve got things under control, the ball flies out of his owners hand and across the lawn, and Dog needs to go get it again and bring it back. It’s a total thrill ride!
When’s it on? Usually 9pm, you know, because of the adult content. But it’s actually filmed in and around my neighbor’s backyard. You should come over! I can totally get us passes so that we can go around with the crew!
Wear this shirt: When you’re out cruisin’ in your El Kamino.
Don’t wear this shirt: if you think Star Wars references are a load of [Jeremy] Bullochs.
This shirt tells the world: “Boba Fett is my favorite fictional bounty hunter, and there’s not a doggone thing you can do about it!”
We call this color: blue that has given in to its dark side, or navy.
Wooties: Taste Some Freedom
Just Once…
Woot Shirt, Taste Some Freedom
4th Place in Derby #307: Red, White, and Blue , with 190 votes!
The debate around the Second Amendment is complicated and fraught with controversy, but we would like to suggest an amendment to that amendment that we believe should be universally applauded:
Every citizen have the right to shoot a bazooka once and only once in his or her lifetime.
We’re not saying that bazookas should be legal to own, but that everybody gets one free, non-criminal shot with a shoulder-mounted rocket launcher. Just one.
Of course, most folks will probably use their shot around age 12, when the appeal of the bazooka is at its apex. But cooler heads will hold off until they really need to blow the crap out of something — like while being attacked by a bear or communists. Or a communist bear.
You might be thinking, “But I don’t even want to fire a bazooka.” Yes you do. You clearly haven’t thought about this enough; it’s a freakin’ bazooka. Imagine the sound it will make. THUMP. And then it will be all ZZZZZZEEEEEEOOOOOO. And then it will hit something and be like BOOOOOOOOM. Noodle on it, and we think you’ll come around to our agenda.
Wooties: The Answer is Science!
Let Down
Woot Shirt, The Answer is Science
Oh science, why you gotta get me so excited like that?
Science doesn’t just say “We want the pig to fly”; it says, “We want the pig to TEACH ITSELF how to fly.” And science doesn’t just say, “Let’s make the peanut butter smoother; it says, “Let’s make the peanut butter that yearns to be smooth, so that it’s smoothness will be the source of great pride and thus taste even creamier.”
Science says, “Let’s make toilet paper that you can talk to,” and science says, “What if volcanoes erupted chocolate instead of lava?” and science says, “we should totally make it so that clouds spell out positive things about the people who look up at them.”
And then science does something boring like publishing a paper about the weather. My point: science is such a tease.
Wooties: Gamer’s Love
My Love Ode
Woot Shirt, Gamer’s Love
Let me tell you how much I love you:
We are like two battle toads. Together we fight our way through the bird-filled crater known as life.
We are like Ray Man’s various appendages. We are one with each other, even when there is distance between us.
We have each other’s backs, like Billy and Jimmy Lee of Double Dragon. Except we’re not related. That would be weird.
Your kisses are like the bombs of Bomberman. They are precise, yet far-reaching, and explosive.
You are to me, a Metal Slug. I will always think you’re great, despite your violent nature and jingoistic way of looking at the world.
I am Ecco the Dolphin and you are my first level. I will never, ever leave you.
Wear this shirt: when you’re about to unleash a sexy a-b-up-down combo.
Don’t wear this shirt: if you’re afraid to commit.
This shirt tells the world: “My baby’s made of pixels.”
We call this color: I shall carve thy name in slate!
Wooties: They See Me Rollin’
I’m just trying to help you out, man.
If you want to act all hood, you should expect to get called on it.
YO SON, WUS POPPIN’?
“Oh, hey Teddy. What’s up, man?”
“Hey man. How’s it goin’ Teddy?”
Woot Shirt, They See Me Rollin
YO DAWG, I KNOW I DUN’ TOLD U BEFORE, I AIN’T NO NOBODY NAMED TEDDY.
“Teddy, I’ve been your friend since we were hatchlings. I’m not calling you ‘T-Blade.’”
YOU MUST BE FRONTIN’, SON! WHY YOU GOTTA DIS ME LIKE THAT? T-BLADE IS HOW I ROLL, DAWG!
“No it’s not. A week ago you were T-Blood. Before that you were The Great Turtlino. You have a new, stupid ‘gangster’ name more often than you shower.”
“To be honest they’re hard to keep up with.”
WELL TO BE HONEST I’VE BEEN THINKIN’ OF CHANGIN’ MY BRAND ANYWAY, U KNO GOT TO KEEP IT FRESH. LIKE DIDDY.
“Yeah, man. You need something that plays up your roots. You’re a turtle, after all.”
“Yeah, you gotta rep that turtle pride. Like Jenny from the Block, y’know.”
TRUE DAT, TRUE DAT. BUT I NEED FOOLS TO KNO I’M THE ILLEST TURTLE IN THE SWAMP, U KNO?
“Totally. You should have something tough in there too, like ‘Turtle Murder.’”
I LIKE THA SOUND O’ THAT.
“Or, or, what if you COMBINE them?”
TURTLE AND MURDER?
“Yeah.”
SO, LIKE, TURDER?
snicker “Yeah. Yeah man, that’s PERFECT!”
“Oh god, yes. Yes, that is exactly what he said. Perfect.”
YEAH, U GUYS ARE RIGHT. MAD PROPS, HOMEYS. I GOT TO SPREAD THE WORD, DAWG! LOOK OUT SWAMP, THE TURDER’S COMING THROUGH!
“Maybe say you’re peekin’ your head out. Makes you sound gangster, like you’re sneaking in the night and robbing people.”
YEAH. YEAH, I DIG IT. BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOOLS, U NEVER KNO WHEN THE TURDER’S PEEKIN’ HIS HEAD OUT!
“I have to record this.”
Wear this shirt: While rolling down a hill. Rolling down hills is fun!
Don’t wear this shirt: To your gang initiation. Don’t join a gang at all, but if you do you probably won’t be taken seriously with a turtle shirt.
This shirt tells the world: “Yeah, okay, so I don’t roll so good. So sue me.”
We call this color: You one ignorant grass turtle.
Wooties: Trouble at the Banana Stand
Now the story of a wealthy family…
Woot Shirt, Trouble At the Banana Stand
Andrew Ridgeley Bluth had volunteered for extra shifts at the family banana stand under the pretense of picking up some extra money. In truth, he was hoping to avoid his cousin, Possibly, and his feelings for her. Unbeknownst to him, Gob had procured the services of seven chimpanzees trained in the art of Ninjitsu for his magic act.
“Gah!”
What he didn’t know was that Possibly had taken a taxi down to the banana stand specifically to discuss her feelings for him.
“Possibly!”
“Oh my god, Andrew Ridgeley! Are you okay?”
“Yeah! Well, no, uh, I mean, probably, but, well, could you call the police? Or something?”
Just then Jebediah, who happened to be sunning himself in a ridiculous pink thong in the hopes of avoiding tan lines for an upcoming audition, stumbled unwittingly into the crowd of nunchaku-wielding simians.
“Aaagh! Andrew Ridgeley, get over here and spank my monkey!”
“Uh…what?”
“Oh, I apologize. I shouldn’t have said that; how inappropriate! I meant to say, ‘get over here and spank my ape.’ Jebediah you’re a doctor, you should know the difference between these things!”
“That’s not really what I was asking abou-”
“Andrew Ridgeley, I have hold of this flailing monkey and the only way it will ever learn not to attack people is if you deliver a little corporal punishment. Now come spank this monkey!”
Wear this shirt: To your Pop-Pop’s arraignment.
Don’t wear this shirt: To your meeting with Kitty Sanchez. You’ll be overdressed.
This shirt tells the world: “I’m holding out for the movie!”
We call this color: Prematurely-Cancelled Cranberry
Wooties: Van Diagram
Rockin’ = Not Knockin’
Woot Shirt, Van Diagram
There’s a time in every person’s life when they must decide for themselves which way to go.
Will they choose the route of the child, forever wide-eyed and innocent? The child can never truly become cynical, after all, and meets each day with a magical joy. The child can travel in a box with ease, for a box is the transport of the imagination! With paint and with an airbrush, the child can dream up a world of wizards and dragons and mostly women fighting barbarians on the moon and then paint it on the blank canvas that the box signifies. The path of the child is one of dreams and glory!
Or will they choose the path of the adult? The adult needs a car to get from place to place, since time is of the essence. He needs the room to hold important papers, and a good sound system to keep track of the latest music, and maybe even a big backseat for naps and gettin’ lucky. The car is a sign that the adult can do as he pleases whenever he pleases, maybe even at full speed!
There are two paths and no more. Every person must decide for themselves what… what… what is that majestic creature over there? It’s doing 75, but has a painting of a naked unicorn on the side! I… I must have it! I must! Do you hear, world? There is a better way! There is a better way!
Wear this shirt: on Vanic Monday. Hey, stop groaning, it’s our I-don’t-have-to-run-day.
Don’t wear this shirt: backwards. It won’t be as funny if everyone thinks you’re just talking about boxcars.
This shirt tells the world: “You Probably Think This Shirt Is About You. Don’t You? Don’t You? Don’t You?”
We call this color: ‘Cause Like A Princess She Was Layin’ There/Moonlight Dancin’ Off Her Hair/She Woke Up And Took Me By The Hand/We Made Love In My Chevy Van/And That’s All White With Me
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Oh come on, how can you not like this shirt? I think it’s all kinds of awesome.
I have nothing more to say about it.
Wooties: Trying to Sing
Woot Shirt, Trying To Sing
Crow in Control
Birds of a feather flock together.
Little known fact: the music industry is controlled by crows. It’s true. All the great singers, all the great song writers, all the great studio musicians, crows all of them. No, they don’t look like crows, but that’s all plastic surgery.
Think about it: haven’t you ever wondered why you always see up-and-coming recording artists picking through the trash on garbage day? Or how sometimes you’ll hear a crow squawk and it’ll seem perfectly in tune to the song on the radio? Or how there’s always feathers on stage after a big pop star performs? All makes sense now, doesn’t it?
It also explains what happened to the Counting Crows. They release one perfect album – August and Everything After – and then all but disappear? Sound odd to you? Well, it was because of their name! saying a little too much, and ruffling a few important feathers, if you will.
Wear this shirt: to the studio to lay down some tracks!
Don’t wear this shirt: around real crows during mating season.
This shirt tells the world: “I murder music.”
We call this color: concert cancelled due to asphalt-y wiring.
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This one is just tough to see given the dark background with the black bird, but that is probably the point. I thought that it originally was something to do with EAP and the Raven, but no, nothing like that. I wear it sometimes, but it’s not in common in the rotation.