The One Million Years B.C. Diet

Woot Shirt, Some Motivation Required

1st place in Derby #83: Exercise, with 1445 votes!

With nary a Pilates class on the entire planet, how did our cave-bound ancestors develop the well-defined pecs and abs we see in textbook illustrations today? Of course, it wasn’t running from dinosaurs. The archaeological record suggests that early humans were bred as pack animals by the Vorgoxxii, a race of alien silicon miners from a planet beyond the stars. They only looked like dinosaurs.

Wear this shirt: so people know why you’re not exercising: lack of large predators in your area.

Don’t wear this shirt: under the assumption that it in any way refers to the novel or film known as Jurassic Park or any sequels or other works deriving therefrom, without express written consent of all parties with a valid claim to any portion or aspect of said intellectual property.

This shirt tells the world: “The real monster I’m running from is Little Debbie.”

We call this color: Tyrannosaurus Blax.

I’m just trying to help you out, man.

If you want to act all hood, you should expect to get called on it.

YO SON, WUS POPPIN’?

“Oh, hey Teddy. What’s up, man?”

“Hey man. How’s it goin’ Teddy?”

Woot Shirt, They See Me Rollin

YO DAWG, I KNOW I DUN’ TOLD U BEFORE, I AIN’T NO NOBODY NAMED TEDDY.

“Teddy, I’ve been your friend since we were hatchlings. I’m not calling you ‘T-Blade.’”

YOU MUST BE FRONTIN’, SON! WHY YOU GOTTA DIS ME LIKE THAT? T-BLADE IS HOW I ROLL, DAWG!

“No it’s not. A week ago you were T-Blood. Before that you were The Great Turtlino. You have a new, stupid ‘gangster’ name more often than you shower.”

“To be honest they’re hard to keep up with.”

WELL TO BE HONEST I’VE BEEN THINKIN’ OF CHANGIN’ MY BRAND ANYWAY, U KNO GOT TO KEEP IT FRESH. LIKE DIDDY.

“Yeah, man. You need something that plays up your roots. You’re a turtle, after all.”

“Yeah, you gotta rep that turtle pride. Like Jenny from the Block, y’know.”

TRUE DAT, TRUE DAT. BUT I NEED FOOLS TO KNO I’M THE ILLEST TURTLE IN THE SWAMP, U KNO?

“Totally. You should have something tough in there too, like ‘Turtle Murder.’”

I LIKE THA SOUND O’ THAT.

“Or, or, what if you COMBINE them?”

TURTLE AND MURDER?

“Yeah.”

SO, LIKE, TURDER?

snicker “Yeah. Yeah man, that’s PERFECT!”

“Oh god, yes. Yes, that is exactly what he said. Perfect.”

YEAH, U GUYS ARE RIGHT. MAD PROPS, HOMEYS. I GOT TO SPREAD THE WORD, DAWG! LOOK OUT SWAMP, THE TURDER’S COMING THROUGH!

“Maybe say you’re peekin’ your head out. Makes you sound gangster, like you’re sneaking in the night and robbing people.”

YEAH. YEAH, I DIG IT. BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOOLS, U NEVER KNO WHEN THE TURDER’S PEEKIN’ HIS HEAD OUT!

“I have to record this.”

Wear this shirt: While rolling down a hill. Rolling down hills is fun!

Don’t wear this shirt: To your gang initiation. Don’t join a gang at all, but if you do you probably won’t be taken seriously with a turtle shirt.

This shirt tells the world: “Yeah, okay, so I don’t roll so good. So sue me.”

We call this color: You one ignorant grass turtle.

Rockin’ = Not Knockin’

Woot Shirt, Van Diagram

There’s a time in every person’s life when they must decide for themselves which way to go.

Will they choose the route of the child, forever wide-eyed and innocent? The child can never truly become cynical, after all, and meets each day with a magical joy. The child can travel in a box with ease, for a box is the transport of the imagination! With paint and with an airbrush, the child can dream up a world of wizards and dragons and mostly women fighting barbarians on the moon and then paint it on the blank canvas that the box signifies. The path of the child is one of dreams and glory!

Or will they choose the path of the adult? The adult needs a car to get from place to place, since time is of the essence. He needs the room to hold important papers, and a good sound system to keep track of the latest music, and maybe even a big backseat for naps and gettin’ lucky. The car is a sign that the adult can do as he pleases whenever he pleases, maybe even at full speed!

There are two paths and no more. Every person must decide for themselves what… what… what is that majestic creature over there? It’s doing 75, but has a painting of a naked unicorn on the side! I… I must have it! I must! Do you hear, world? There is a better way! There is a better way!

Wear this shirt: on Vanic Monday. Hey, stop groaning, it’s our I-don’t-have-to-run-day.

Don’t wear this shirt: backwards. It won’t be as funny if everyone thinks you’re just talking about boxcars.

This shirt tells the world: “You Probably Think This Shirt Is About You. Don’t You? Don’t You? Don’t You?”

We call this color: ‘Cause Like A Princess She Was Layin’ There/Moonlight Dancin’ Off Her Hair/She Woke Up And Took Me By The Hand/We Made Love In My Chevy Van/And That’s All White With Me

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Oh come on, how can you not like this shirt? I think it’s all kinds of awesome.

I have nothing more to say about it.