Eating Habits

Woot Shirt, Nooodles

Noodle on this for a moment!

When broke college kids are hungry, they eat ramen noodles. But what do broke ramen noodles in college eat? Banana peels. Broke banana peels in college, meanwhile, eat dust mites. Broke dust mites eat ideas. That’s why it’s harder to think in dusty rooms.

Broke ideas in college eat paper. Broke pieces of paper in college eat rocks. Broke rocks in college eat scissors. Broke scissors in college eat paper. If you’re keeping score, that means broke pieces of paper in college have two predators. What we’re getting at it sucks to be broke and made of paper in college.

That was our whole point here. That it sucks to be paper. That was clear from the get-go, right?

Kiddie Kibble

Woot Shirt. Geek Food

“Hello Mrs. Adams, how are you today?”

I’m fine, I’m fine, but I’m worried about my little creature.

“Let’s see … ‘Sam’ is this little guy’s name? That’s cute. What seems to be the problem with Sam?”

He hasn’t been eating his food, and it’s been several days now.

“Have you recently switched his diet? Sometimes they can be particular about those things.”

Well, yes, I did start feeding him wet food.

“That’s probably it. You need to introduce the new diet slowly, so his digestion can adapt to it.”

Oh thank goodness. I was worried he might have diabetes or something. I know so many indoor ones do.

“Well, from the look of him maybe it would be worth running some tests…”

UGH. STOP TALKING ABOUT ME IN THE THIRD PERSON, MOM. I’M RIGHT HERE.

Sorry, honey. I’m just trying to look out for you.

“Would you mind holding him down so he doesn’t scratch me, Mrs. Adams?”

Just Once…

Woot Shirt, Taste Some Freedom

4th Place in Derby #307: Red, White, and Blue , with 190 votes!

The debate around the Second Amendment is complicated and fraught with controversy, but we would like to suggest an amendment to that amendment that we believe should be universally applauded:

Every citizen have the right to shoot a bazooka once and only once in his or her lifetime.

We’re not saying that bazookas should be legal to own, but that everybody gets one free, non-criminal shot with a shoulder-mounted rocket launcher. Just one.

Of course, most folks will probably use their shot around age 12, when the appeal of the bazooka is at its apex. But cooler heads will hold off until they really need to blow the crap out of something — like while being attacked by a bear or communists. Or a communist bear.

You might be thinking, “But I don’t even want to fire a bazooka.” Yes you do. You clearly haven’t thought about this enough; it’s a freakin’ bazooka. Imagine the sound it will make. THUMP. And then it will be all ZZZZZZEEEEEEOOOOOO. And then it will hit something and be like BOOOOOOOOM. Noodle on it, and we think you’ll come around to our agenda.

Let Down

Woot Shirt, The Answer is Science

Oh science, why you gotta get me so excited like that?

Science doesn’t just say “We want the pig to fly”; it says, “We want the pig to TEACH ITSELF how to fly.” And science doesn’t just say, “Let’s make the peanut butter smoother; it says, “Let’s make the peanut butter that yearns to be smooth, so that it’s smoothness will be the source of great pride and thus taste even creamier.”

Science says, “Let’s make toilet paper that you can talk to,” and science says, “What if volcanoes erupted chocolate instead of lava?” and science says, “we should totally make it so that clouds spell out positive things about the people who look up at them.”

And then science does something boring like publishing a paper about the weather. My point: science is such a tease.

Batshirt Crazy

Woot Shirt, Bats!

Hey! Who’s that flapping those membranous wings, on a nocturnal mission straight into our hearts? Bats! Armed with sonar, rabies, and possibly shape-shifting abilities, these flying guano-pumpers have found a new roost: right on your chest. Unlike the bats offered by other deal-a-day web sites, this fetching pair is guaranteed disease-free. They may bite you while you’re sleeping and slurp at the wound for nourishment, but what’s a little blood between mammals?

Designed by: Chicago artist, impostor, cartoonist, crank caller, musician, and blogger Derek Erdman, who also finds time to obsess over The Fall and officiate weddings, baptisms, and funerals.

Wear this shirt to: your Weight Watchers meetings, to let everyone else know about the hottest, healthiest low-fat alternative to beef – bat meat.

Don’t wear this shirt to: the northern Brazilian state of Maranhao, where bats bit over 1,000 people during a 2005 infestation, killing 23. The locals might not see the humor in it.

This shirt tells the world: “I dream of soaring through the air, wild and free, ingesting insects all the while.”

We call this color: Non-Coagulated Red.

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This is a weird shirt, but I like it. It’s simple, to the point and just is simple. Who doesn’t like bats anyway?

So this one is a fun one that I like, but I need to only wear it when I am not wearing anything else since this is on the back of the shirt, not the front of the shirt.

Woot Shirt: In Training

The Title of this shirt is “In Training” and this is what Woot had to say about it….

Yodad

2nd Place in Derby #311: Back in Back , with 325 votes!

You know… I might… wear mine… backwards?

OKAY, OKAY! It’s weird, I’ll admit it, but I have often indulged in fantasies where I am a father, but not just to a normal baby. In these fantasies, I’m Yoda’s father. I’m walking the streets with him in a Baby Bjorn. People are walking up to me, saying, “What an adorable baby!” And I’m saying, “Oh, why thank you! He’s got his mother’s eyes.”

And then at night, when I’m tucking him in, he’ll look up at me and say, “Love you father, I do.” And I’ll get teary-eyed and say, “Love you Yo-yo, I do too.” And it’ll be a super tender, touching moment.

I’m sorry.