Lumberjacks Anonymous

Woot Shirt, I’m a Lumberjack

Hello, my name is Sven, and I … I’m a lumberjack.

HI SVEN

It started simply enough. In high school everyone was starting to cut down trees, and I was too. But I always cut down a few more than everybody else, and started earlier in the day. By college I couldn’t get through a day without felling something.

You know the old saying, “One tree is just right. Two is too many. Three is never enough.” Heh. That was me all right. I kept thinking that I could keep my behavior under control, but as soon as I felt the buzz of that chainsaw it was all over and I’d wake up the next morning covered in sawdust.

I had lost my friends, my family, and the shade in my backyard when I finally decided to seek help. That’s when I first came to these meetings and told everyone “I’m a lumberjack, and I’m not OK.”

Please Please Exclamation Point

Woot Shirt, Exclamation Print

Dear Woot: how dare you ask me to turn my body into an advertisement for your crappy company – and pay for the privilege?

You think I’m such a sucker that I’m going to hand you my hard-earned cash for the right to plug your stupid web sites? Oh, wow, I get my choice of five ink colors printed on the same high-quality shirts Shirt.Woot uses – that’s like giving slaves the right to choose the color of the whip.

So what if your name is not actually on the t-shirt anywhere? So what if the only people who will even know that it’s a Woot shirt will be people who are already Woot fans? So what if it might as well be “advertising” the exclamation point itself? It’s still, uh, like, commercialism and, uh, stuff, and…wait, let me start this over:

Dear Exclamation Point: how dare you ask me to turn my body into an advertisement for your crappy punctuation mark – and pay for the privilege?

Spoilers!

Woot Shirt, Online Debate Team

It’s not what it looks like!

M. Night Shyamalan on today’s shirt:

So it looks like a normal athletic shirt, right? Typical font and layout. Just another Athletic Department shirt. Nothing special, right?

But wait! There’s a TWIST! It’s not a shirt for a SPORTS TEAM! It’s a shirt for a debate team!

That’s it, huh? Just a shirt that appears to be athletic, but is, in fact, for a debate team. Certainly, there are no additional layers here, correct?

INCORRECT! It is not a normal debate team shirt! It’s a shirt for an internet debate team!

But another twist: IT WAS A GHOST ALL ALONG!

Wear this shirt: into the internet!

Don’t wear this shirt: into the real world!

This shirt tells the world: “I have so many opinions, and I will fighter them… ineloquently.”

We call this color: KELLY GREEN IS SO MUCH BETTER THAN LEBRON! JUST LOOK AT THEIR STATS!

Bringing new meaning to the term “hunting dog.”

Woot Shirt, Boba Fetch

2nd place in Derby #213: Dog Days, with 823 votes!

You ever watch Dog, a Bounty Hunter? No, not Dog the Bounty Hunter. Dog, a Bounty Hunter. It’s pretty similar to Dog the Bounty Hunter except instead of being about a big guy with tons of blond hair, it’s about an actual dog. And instead of going after people, he’s going after inanimate objects.

Oh man, there was this great one where Dog goes after a stick that posted bail after a hit-and-run but won’t show up for any of his court dates. So Dog has to go talk to the stick’s mom, a tree, and it’s totally obvious that she knows where the stick is but won’t tell. In the end Dog finds the stick hiding out in a pile of leaves, though, and buries him alive while the tree watches in terror. It’s pretty intense!

But my favorite episode was probably the one about the tennis ball. So the tennis ball totally stole its brother-in-law’s Camaro and so Dog hunts him down and brings him to the authorities (his owner). But for some reason whenever you think they’ve got things under control, the ball flies out of his owners hand and across the lawn, and Dog needs to go get it again and bring it back. It’s a total thrill ride!

When’s it on? Usually 9pm, you know, because of the adult content. But it’s actually filmed in and around my neighbor’s backyard. You should come over! I can totally get us passes so that we can go around with the crew!

Wear this shirt: When you’re out cruisin’ in your El Kamino.

Don’t wear this shirt: if you think Star Wars references are a load of [Jeremy] Bullochs.

This shirt tells the world: “Boba Fett is my favorite fictional bounty hunter, and there’s not a doggone thing you can do about it!”

We call this color: blue that has given in to its dark side, or navy.

My Love Ode

Woot Shirt, Gamer’s Love

Let me tell you how much I love you:

We are like two battle toads. Together we fight our way through the bird-filled crater known as life.

We are like Ray Man’s various appendages. We are one with each other, even when there is distance between us.

We have each other’s backs, like Billy and Jimmy Lee of Double Dragon. Except we’re not related. That would be weird.

Your kisses are like the bombs of Bomberman. They are precise, yet far-reaching, and explosive.

You are to me, a Metal Slug. I will always think you’re great, despite your violent nature and jingoistic way of looking at the world.

I am Ecco the Dolphin and you are my first level. I will never, ever leave you.

Wear this shirt: when you’re about to unleash a sexy a-b-up-down combo.

Don’t wear this shirt: if you’re afraid to commit.

This shirt tells the world: “My baby’s made of pixels.”

We call this color: I shall carve thy name in slate!

Kitty Kitty Bang Bang

Woot Shirt, Taco Cat

Aw, mom, we’re having rigatoni pony again?

When you want a snack that’s also a pet, you don’t want to fill up with an enchilada llama or a tamale collie. You want a self-sufficient treat that requires minimal attention but still tastes delicious. You want a taco cat!

With a layer of questionable but fully cooked meat, tomatoes diced to hide the bad spots, and mostly washed lettuce, the taco cat is hearty yet streetsmart, fulfilling yet passionate, and best of all, doused in a fiery sauce that makes it impossible to taste a single subtle flavor. And did we mention that crunchy corn shell?

Don’t force yourself to keep struggling through an entire barbacoa boa or a little pile of empanada pandas. Get just the amount of pet you need with taco cat! Also available in blue corn or calico.

Wear this shirt: while putting on the ritz. That’s right, we went there.

Don’t wear this shirt: if you’re the sort of person who will point out it’s a palindrome every time you wear it. We don’t care, jerkface. Go home.

This shirt tells the world: “Hey, just wondering, but has anyone ever played the Meow Mix song over a latin beat?”

We call this color: Red Beans And Rice

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I bought this one because I thought it was cute, turns out it offends some people because of some slang interpretations that you can make from it. I didn’t see it right off the bat though, but I can see how it could be. I don’t wear it often, but I do like it.