National Parks

So, I have always loved the wilderness, and until a couple years ago, I had only been to a couple National Parks, while I had been to a fair number of National Forests and Landmarks.

So the National Park Service turned 100 just last week, and my friend Jenn is crazy(in all the best ways) about the national parks and after my trip last year, I realize I kinda am as well.

So I was curious how many there were, and there are not as many as I thought, but there are also a lot of National Forests, National Conservation Areas, National Grasslands and National Monuments as well.

So I decided to track them and the ones I have seen. So I did what came natural to me, I made a spreadsheet!! Who doesn’t love a good spreadsheet, right?!? So here is my spreadsheet for you, I will probably update it at some point, but you can download it HERE. That is an Excel spreadsheet, I keep a copy of mine in Google Docs so I can update it from wherever and i don’t need to worry about losing it either.

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Breakup Reasons…

So, I was reading a thread on Reddit, and I am going to highlight some of the best stories or reasons from that thread as I read through it. Not all are directly related to breakup reasons, some are just stories shared.

Bullet point for each individual one… sometimes there is a response to one that is really good too, so I am including those below them, indented of course based on context.

  • I broke up with someone because she thought the space shuttle landed on the moon.
    • Okay, wait. Did it not? I’m pretty naive when it comes to that stuff, but wouldn’t it have had to land for them to be able to walk on it, or is there like, a smaller piece that breaks off to go to the moon?
    • I can believe breaking up with someone for not believing we went to the moon but for not knowing the intricacies? I mean, we all don’t know everything about everything.
    • Before this thread I thought space shuttle was just a generic word used for spacecraft that were capable of carrying people. I didn’t know it was a proper noun. As long as people are willing to learn I don’t think there’s any problem with them not knowing specific things.
  • I met this girl at a party and we hung out once afterwards. Then I made a passing comment about not feeling well, no big deal, could’ve been something I ate or was just hungover. Anyways she shows up at my place while I was at work and left soup and crackers for me with my roommates. I thought that was too weird and so I cut it off with her. I should add that one time we hung out she pretty much wanted to do everything right away which put me off a bit as I barely knew her. So when she also brought soup because of a passing comment a red flag went up. Who knows maybe she wasn’t a crazy stage fiver clinger but those two things were enough for me.
    • Stage 5 carries a 3 point verification requirement. You have listed 2 here, one of which has shaky logic; wanting to bang right away is not in itself cause for accusations of crazy.
    • It’s kinda like me, just not yet as extreme – whenever a girl demonstrates sexual/romantic interest, I get very suspicious and try to get as far away as possible ASAP. Then I regret it later.
    • This exact situation happened to me as well (with bonus DVD to watch while eating the soup), and it made me really uncomfortable, since we weren’t dating but would just hook up fairly regularly. Extremely thoughtful and caring, but I just couldn’t help but think it was very weird. Wasn’t enough for me to stop hooking up with her, but still. If you’re in NJ, it might have been the same girl, cause you really just gave me a flashback.
  • She wore a bra to bed because she thought the support would keep her breasts from sagging.
    • Sometimes I shout “Freeeddooooommmmm” William Wallace style when I take my bra off. My SO thinks I’m odd.
    • Really? I absolutely hate taking mine off to go in the shower, I put one back on before a towel.
    • I shudder at that thought. Bra comes off before shoes sometimes when I walk in the door. I avoid bras like the plague when I can.
      • Exactly what I would do if I had them too !! like wearing a jock strap everywhere. 🙂
      • I sometimes unhook mine in the car on the way home
      • I unhook mine right at 5pm. Right at my desk.
      • I don’t even wear one except for during meetings.
      • I had an “intervention” because I would frequently start disrobing in the yard and did not even realize it.
      • That’s funny. My girlfriend gets naked so fast when we get home that it’s shocking sometimes. I’ll turn my back for a moment, turn back, and bam! Nekkid.
    • I used to do this when I was pregnant and breastfeeding because they were enormous. If I didn’t wear one to bed, I would have a backache in the morning. :/ Still wear one in bed occasionally because I always wake up feeling great. I take it off for sex though, duh.
  • I was in grad school, friend 2 was in grad school in another state, and friend 1 was working in that state and done with grad school. There was a girl that I really didn’t get along with in my program. She told me straight to my face that she didn’t believe any of my stories and I was full of shit. We weren’t unfriendly, but we didn’t see eye to eye. I was doing an interesting project, so I’d argue with her sometimes in classes when she’d call me out on stuff she didn’t understand.She moved to a phd program in the same department as friend 2. They started dating. I knew nothing of this, but some kids in my program said they’d heard some drunken stories about me, but not from me. I was confused. These were not stories many people knew. About a year later I went back for a visit. I went to hang out with them. Things got a bit out of hand. Among other things, we took urine soaked furniture from a dumpster to redecorate his 5th floor apartment. We also invited a couple homeless guys in to party with us. We went to the real country bar and danced with old ladies for a couple hours. I hooked up with one of her new friends. Friend 2 and his brother came in naked and took pictures of us on her bed. We went to the dive bar that was our favorite and got the entire bar…about 60 people into a discussion about ecology, farm policy and externalities. I drug her into the bathroom once so she could see someone snorting meth off a urinal. We spent one night at her apartment and we’d decided one night she needed a pet so we caught a stray cat and let it loose. She told me she believed my stories now.He called me a few days later and said he was put on a two beer limit with friend 1 and I. She couldn’t handle 3 days of us together. He broke up with her pretty much for that reason.
  • Anytime a cat walked into her line of sight (we’re lesbians, there’s always a cat around), she would go “kitty!” Didn’t matter if she was in the middle of saying something or if I was talking about something. It just popped out of her mouth. I couldn’t handle it.
    • A friend of mine has a similar reaction with my cat, but then she threatens to murder him and throw him out the window of my apartment because he’s too cute to live, all in the same cutesy voice. She’s a vet tech, I feel bad for her patients.
    • My ex-gf was also like this, but with dogs. Me, saying something important or talking to her about anything, a dog passes by and she would immediatly would go into a frenzy ”OMG DOGGY!!”
    • I had the opposite recently. This girl I was dating was afraid of cats. We’d be walking and she’d gasp, grab me and hide behind me like we were about to be mauled by a mountain lion. I’d look over and there’d be a little fucking tabby minding it’s own business. Anyway, good riddance.
  • Here’s one that I’ve noticed that may drive you insane once attention is brought to it – I’ve found that a large number of women will state, “I love/like this song” as soon as a song they like will come on the radio or Pandora, etc. It doesn’t matter how many songs they like that come on the radio during a car trip, they will say, “I like this song!” for every one. As if I couldn’t tell she liked it due to the way she turned the volume up a bit. It’s similar to J.D.’s girlfriend who would never laugh and just say, “that’s so funny!”.
  • She wouldn’t change the volume on the TV to an even number. I mean how hard is it to put the TV on 30 instead of 29.
    • I have all the volumes on odd numbers. Always.
      • Is it because you can’t even?
    • That is fucking insane. The only odd number you should ever change the volume to is an increment of 5.
    • My husband is a tiny bit OCD with numbers… specifically the number 3. Every volume must be at 3 or a multiple of 3. Alarms must be set at divisible-by-3 times. (6:57, for example, is our version of ‘I need to be up by seven.”) It’s not things that need to be done by threes or arranged by threes, it’s just that all numbers actually shown must be divisible by three. The volume is shown for a small portion of time while it’s being changed, so… our volume is, quite often, set on 9… It’s the perfect volume for nighttime shows. The first time we were watching something on TV together, I asked if it’d be okay for me to turn the volume down. He said yes. I turned the volume down from 18 to 14. Minor freak outs were had: “Three is just superior to every other number! All of the others are just… not right!”
    • Try playing twinkle twinkle little star and leaving off the last note or two. I don’t know about you but I have to finish it otherwise I’m just uncomfortable for a while. This need for finished patterns could be why we turn the volume to a certain setting. When you change the volume, you can’t just set it to an arbitrary number like you can with channels, you have to scroll and perhaps that action forms a pattern to you and requires you complete it or you get uncomfortable. As to why you feel uncomfortable in those situations, I don’t know I’m a comment not a psychologist.
    • Depends on the TV. I had one that worked best in increments of 2, and was at optimal volume at a setting of “21” (17 was good to “turn it down”, 15/13 for going to bed and not bothering the house, etc). But goddamn did it piss me off, and I admit if I could have hacked my TV back then to change the number by a single digit I would have.
    • I can justify any number but a prime number. If it’s divisible by an integer, it’s okay. Thirteen gets a pass for being edgy.
  • She would constantly say the names of the stores we passed by while driving. Jiffy Lube. Huh, a Spencers. Gym-boooo-ree (that’s how she would say it)
  • She walked too slow. We’d go out somewhere and walk down the street and I’d turn around and she’s like 20 feet behind me.
    • I think you’re like my husband. He walks so fast! When I was in my 8th month of pregnancy, I would constantly yell at him because I could not waddle fast enough to keep up with him.
  • These situations freak me out. Took a girl I used to know from high school out, while we were walking to dinner she’s talking about what our kids would look like (in weirdly specific detail) and how her family would love another son… Great first date talk.
  • She ate her peas one at time. One at a time!
    • Oh god the flashbacks…… I was dating a girl on high school and her my mother and I went out for lunch one day….. She ate her meal normally until the peas…. She ate them one at a time…. With her fingers…… Yes – that was my reason to end things.
    • That’s almost as bad as prouncing every syllable in vegetables. “Ve-ge-ta-bles.”
    • My girlfriend eats her corn on the cob upright, plucking one kernel at a time. Everyone has finished dinner and she’s still plucking away at that fucking corn.
  • She bought me a sweater and showed up at my work to give it to me. We had only been dating for a week or so.
    • Did she knit it herself? She totally did, didn’t she?
      • The picture on the front was knitted out of her own hair.
  • This was many, many years ago (probably ’92 or so). I was out shopping with a girl and we stopped in at the Gap. She picked out a skirt or some pants or whatever, and when she went up to pay for them, the woman at the register asked her if she needed a pair of matching socks.
    My girlfriend happily said “Yes”, and I thought that totally unacceptable, that she could be so quickly and easily swayed to make yet another purchase. It was SHOCKING to me.
    We broke up two days later.
    I was 20…
  • We weren’t ever in a relationship, but I went out with a girl a few times who was completely normal whenever she was around me, but whenever I saw her with her friends she morphed into one of those weird, screaming, over-excited girls who seem like a flock of chickens. Big turn-off.
  • Her parents were too rich. And I don’t mean like nice house in the suburbs money I’m talking Fortune 500 CEO type money. It was seriously intimidating and I couldn’t handle the pressure. So I stuck a note in her locker on the last day of school after a 3 month relationship (I was 17 so way too old to be doing that type of cowardly bullshit). It also made for a very awkward senior year.
    • Somewhat similar situation with me. Incredibly hot girl somehow took an interest in me. ME! During our first date she tells me her last boyfriend drove a Ferrari his dad bought him that had a customized engraving of his name on the dash. Like, how the hell was I ever gonna measure up to custom Ferrari guy!? I couldn’t bare to call her for a second date, petrified by the thought of that kind of pressure.
  • She always ordered food, ate half of it, then ate half of mine. Then she would offer to share what she ordered, but I didn’t like the stuff she ordered.
  • She worked as a florist and did a lot of gardening around her house. This led to her hands being fairly dry often, even though she used lotion. I always felt like I held hands with a dude with small rough hands.
  • There was a chin hair that would begin to appear every morning, and every morning she’d head to the bathroom and emerge sans chin hair. Still though. Other than that she was perfect. -sigh-
  • A girl I was dating once gave me a small card with scripture or something about Jesus on it, as a gift. Needless to say I ended that relationship fairly quickly. If I remember correctly I did it by debating with her about the possibility of Jesus being a raptor…
  • Ex boyfriend said “fustrating”. Only one R. Fust-rating. In fact, his entire family said it. It was fucking FRUSTRATING. Damn. I thought I had escaped, and then I hired someone at work that does it, too. I immediately regretted hiring him when I heard him say it for the first time; I shudder every time I hear him say it.
  • She broke up with ME because I’m too cheery. A month after dating, I noticed she had a perpetually pinched mouth like she was trying to keep her teeth from escaping. It made her slurp drinks and soups, which just grated on my nerves. She said “suppose-ably” and that there was no such thing as a hard science.
  • He didn’t eat anything but potatoes, peanut butter, and ramen. He wasn’t a broke college student, just a fucking picky eater. Nope. Adios.
    • I dated one of these guys. Except it was Red Bull, grilled cheese, and mini muffins.
    • had a roommate like this recently. ate nothing but pizza, hotdogs, and peanut butter on white bread.
    • Omg this was a huge reason I broke up with my first boyfriend. Tons of soda and junk food (and I mean terrible-for-you stuff like Little Debbie snack cakes and candy). We were really serious about each other and were talking about marriage and kids and I said, “If we have kids, we’ll have healthy snacks, right?” He was like, “I’m never giving up my snack cakes.” I gave it another six months or so, but eventually broke up with him over it (and a few other things). He never did give up his snack cakes and has health problems now. I married someone whose snacking habits were way more moderate and our kid is pretty healthy. It’s hard enough being healthy when you want to be – and it’s absolutely impossible if one or both of you is gung-ho against it!
  • She would put saltine crackers in her soup and crush them up. No big deal I do that to but when she was done she would lick her hands clean of all the cracker dust. Every. Single. Time! I could not handle this no matter how amazing the sex was.
  • She didn’t like “O Brother, Where Art Thou?”. She didn’t find it exciting, she didn’t find it funny, she didn’t smile once. She also said “The music is weird”.
  • I had just started dating this guy, we were hanging out for the 2nd or 3rd time. We were driving around and stopped to get a drink from the gas station and I also bought a bag of hot cheetos. Back in the car I started munching on my cheetos and after my first cheeto the guy reached over without asking and grabbed a handful and stuffed them into his mouth. And he kept doing it, like as if I wanted to share the bag with him. I was so annoyed every time he reached for more. I don’t think that was the entire reason I stopped seeing him…but I was just so bothered by it that I lost interest.
    • I once had a thought of stabbing my friend in the eye with the fork I was holding because he took a few of my French fries, I swear I felt like I was gonna explode ! If I don’t offer you my food, don’t touch it!
    • I even get pissed off if my 3-year-old tries to take some of my cheetos. Heck, even if he asks. (I share if he asks, but I’m still secretly annoyed.) I’d have bought him cheetos if he’d asked for some when I asked if he wanted a snack/treat. But did he? No he did not. Sometimes I even specifically ask if he wants cheetos when I go in to buy myself a bag. But no. He never wants them until I’m eating them as my treat.
    • It’s like a cat. Cats don’t want that food. If offered the same food, they reject it. But when you go sit down to eat they will stick their face in your food and possibly even grab some because fuck you, they run this shit, they get some of your food, you owe them for being blessed by their presence.
    • My brother has 4 small scars on his hand from where I stabbed him with a fucking fork for not keeping his god damned hands off my fucking plate when I was like 13. Leave my god damned food alone Matt, you have the same shit on your plate I don’t care if mine looks better.
    • Fuck, this one really hits home for me. My girlfriend is constantly trying to eat my food, to the point where I’ve made it a point to refuse ever giving her some of my food. I always suggest she gets her own, but it’s always “but I just want some of yours.” GET YOUR OWN GODDAMN FOOD, I BOUGHT THIS BECAUSE I WANTED TO EAT IT, NOT GIVE IT AWAY.
  • I ended it with a guy who changed my radio station in MY car while I was driving. I even tried to change it back to my station, but he kept putting his music on. Every time he wanted to talk about music or messed with the dial, I had to resist the urge to stop the car, unbuckle his seat belt, open the door, and push him out.
  • My ex was really into amusement parks and roller coasters. I am petrified of heights and have difficulty with them. I’m so bad I go full on anxiety-attack mode.
    For her birthday she wanted to go to the amusement park, and she and I and her friends went. I sucked it up and went on as many rides as I feasibly could. But, there got to a point where I just couldn’t go on many of them, especially the huge ones (think Six Flags Superman style coasters). I sat out a few rides while she went on them with friends.
    She broke up with me a couple days later because I couldn’t enjoy the same things she could.
  • He would never let me hold the remote control. EVER. Not only did I never have a say in what he watched, but he had the worst taste in movies and TV shows.
    The final straw was when he set his alarm for 2 AM on a work night so he could watch a tennis match…A FRICKEN TENNIS MATCH.
    I could never be with anyone who couldn’t compromise with me on something as simple as watching TV/movies that we both like.

    • When I was a kid I’d secretly wake up at three in the morning to watch dog shows.
    • I had a gf who said shit like this all the time. The truth was, I was more than willing to compromise, but all she wanted to watch, EVER, was Kardashian bullshit and shit like Project Runway. Fuck that, I’d rather gouge out my own eyes. Dropped her like a bad habit for that shit and a few other things.
  • He had excessive nipple hair
  • She called me telling me that she planned to make soup with the leftover turkey from Thanksgiving. It was just too…homey, I guess.
    So the next day, I was playing basketball at the gym with a few friends and told them about it. I said that if I made my next shot, I’d leave her; if I didn’t make it, I wouldn’t break up with her. I made the shot and broke things off the same day
  • Well, when I was younger I used to break up as soon as things would seem like they moved to more serious lanes, mainly out of fear of commitment. I couldn’t use that as a reason, obviously, I didn’t want to be labeled a weak ass bitch so my go to reason for break up was that they drank the wrong type of beer. I did this for like 4-5 guys.
    • My junior year of high school my boyfriend & I broke up for this same reason. We’d been dating for about 6 months and his parents invited my parents over for lunch. After the lunch event, we were both so freaked out that this was getting too serious that we mutually ended things.
  • They used ‘ur’ and ‘yr’ all the fucking time in text messages.
    • This is a horrible reason. It’s texting, as in not a college thesis. The whole point is to communicate efficiently and quickly. It’s an unwritten rule of texting.
      Edit: It’s hilarious to read all these comments from people who take texting this seriously. Like I said, it’s not a college thesis or a book. It’s TEXTING. The whole point was to make communication faster than calling someone and talking to them. Naturally there’s abbreviations and variations to make it even faster.
      I don’t know what mental switch is getting turned on when you see a word spelled wrong in a text. It’s not a spelling bee. Communicating quickly with abbreviations is not just for kids. Granted i wouldn’t do it with my boss or coworkers, at least not the first few times i texted them or when its about something really important but for casual conversations its ok once you have developed rapport.
      Also some of you sound like grammar nazi’s and pansies. You think its just three more letters so i should just type it but if it’s just three letters, then why would you make a big deal about it also. Why such an emotional reaction to it. If you’re having such an impulsive reaction to it then maybe ur the problem.
      People shorten words in spoken language all the time. Otherwise we wouldn’t use contractions or slang. Some coworkers use shorthand to communicate for certain jobs or tools. Why is texting the exception to this?
      Lastly, i feel like some people just get upset because they don’t know some or a lot of texting slang or shorthand. There is a learning curve as with many things including languages and different forms of communication but that’s no reason to act like a sissy about it. Look it up like everyone else or just ask what the specific meaning is and you can use it that way a million times from that point forward. I had to look up “atm” and “wyd” at one point. They are abbreviations for “at the moment” and What’re you doing?” I’ve used those abbreviations like a 1000 times since i learned them and a few times i explained it to some friends and now they use it too. Its just faster. It might be seconds but again texting was about quickness and efficiency in communication and those seconds add up. I suppose those seconds count (and i know this part is kinda cheesy) in the 21st century/information age where there is an abundant amount of information, communication and events happening at a pace that is faster than we can keep up with.
  • She walked like a T. Rex
    • Maybe I can field this one, I’ve been there. Long strides on short legs, elbows always bent at 90 degrees with wrists then limp and fingers hanging.
    • I had no idea you could run the Charleston.
    • I’m in the unfortunate habit of making screeching dinosaur noises and plodding down store aisles with my hands held up like a t-rex when I’m looking for something I can’t find. I have no idea how this started. I get a lot of strange looks and don’t give a shit. It’s awesome to have a dinosaur setting.
  • They had an insulin pump…. Things got awkward when I tried to pull his shirt off and snagged the line with my fingers. I broke it off shortly after that… I was more embarrassed that I freaked out thinking I almost killed him so I obviously could not stay in that relationship… I know I suck, but I was 16 and an awkward girl.
  • I know someone who broke up with their SO because whenever they took a bite from a fork they would bite down on it while they slid it out of their front teeth. Makes me cringe thinking about it.
    • My husband does this, and it makes me hurt. Nails on a chalkboard!! Luckily he’s hardly ever home for meals and it’s only when I offer a bite or something is really hot but still, ugh. I freaked out on him one time when it was super offensive to my own teeth (years ago) and now I refuse to feed him bites unless it’s on a wooden spoon or plastic utensils!
    • Reading through the various stories about this just made me suck my teeth deeply into my throat. It’s getting worse and worse. Writing this that’s all I can think about. Oh god why do I have teeth? WHY DO I HAVE TEETH?GET THEM OUT
    • No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no.
    • I think you’re legally allowed to murder someone if they do this.
  • She was a GUD. Geographically Undesirable. She moved, and I didn’t like driving to her new place.
    • I broke up with a GUD because she lived on the other side of a bridge. It was this shitty old bridge that ended up being replaced a few years later, but I broke up with her because I didn’t like driving across the bridge.
  • He watched NASCAR every Sunday with his family. Like, every race, from start to finish.
    • I laughed so hard reading this. I recently married a racing fan and I absolutely don’t get the whole “let’s watch cars going in circles” thing. He’s not into NASCAR but he watches every single other type of racing. F1, indie car, and other shit I don’t know the names of. There are SO MANY types of car racing! We have dinner with his parents almost every Sunday and they record the races for us to watch together. It’s awful. 🙁
    • Flush a bag of skittles down the toilet – it’s like watching a Nascar race in under 15 seconds and just as exciting.
  • Puff knuckle. When the hand is open, the knuckles make dimples instead of bumps. This person was not fat. Just weird puffy knuckles. Once noticed, could not be unseen.
  • I left to write an exam and she had cleaned the kitchen but when I went to use the dishes that evening they were not cleaned properly and I had to redo them.
  • She liked to hook her arm around mine as we walked. I’m down to hold hands every once in a while, but I like space, and it’s an action that I didn’t have a choice in initiating. It was weird how it changed the power dynamic between us when we walked, and give me some space.
  • Soft, silky hands with pretty tapering fingers. The man’s hands were softer and girlier than mine ffs.
    • My ex had soft hands and it would really gross me out. That isn’t why we broke up but it was one of those things that helps you get over the breakup.
  • She pronounces it “jif”, Jerry! Who does this? Its a G! Gif! Gif! I gotta get out of it, Jerry!
  • I decided that he was not sponge worthy when he asked me what spermicide was.
    • The spermicide me, and then we have sex, and then the spermicide you.
  • She held her fork overhanded, as in the shovel technique. You can’t take someone like that anywhere.
  • For wearing too much pink. Some days her entire outfit was bright pink. No thanks
  • She always wanted to cuddle/touch me/flirt while I was eating. I told her it bothered me, but she thought it was cute or something so she did it often. One night while eating a slice of pizza she kept rubbing her hand up and down my arm, I had decided enough was enough and loudly broke up with her.
    • My current girlfriend used to always talk as soon as I went to take a bite of food, I told her I was trying to eat and just give me 15 minutes and then we could talk all she wanted. But no, she would pout in front of me until I responded to whatever thing she said… It was usually “I love you” so she would sit there and expect me to say it back, as soon as I said it she would say something else. This went on continuously until 15 minutes had passed and I hadn’t even taken 1 bite of my now shitty food.After about 2 days of eating cold food (Cold steak… fuck that) I yelled at her and she cried… I wish I had just taken the easy way out.
    • You just made me picture a man lying on his stomach in one of those professional massage chairs, eating a pizza through the face hole and now I feel gross.
  • Beautiful girl from Smith College. Incredibly smart. Fun. But she just would. Not. Stop. Talking. Like, ever. I thought it was nerves, but after 3 dates it became apparent to me that she was just an incessant talker. Shame.
  • I briefly dated a girl in college. After we met we discovered this mind-blowing connection that we shared, dating back to a very significant event event that affected both of our families many years before. Neither of us had any idea the other existed, but fate brought us together somehow.She was beautiful, happy, extremely outgoing, talented, humble, and kissed like a baby turtle. That’s the best way I can describe it. Super aggressive and hard. Painful sometimes. She was so sweet I couldn’t bear to call her out on it.We went to school in different towns, and even though we saw each other on occasion, it didn’t last. Over time I learned that we were actually pretty different, but if it hadn’t been for the horrendous kissing techniques, I probably would have worked harder to make it last.
  • she asked for ketchup for her steak at an an expensive steakhouse. we were at the old homestead, a respected and expensive place. she gets this gorgeous t-bone. it shows up and she asked for ketchup. I immediately asked for the bill. the waiter laughed. she just stared at me while i paid the bill, told her to enjoy her meal, and left.
    • According to Title 9, Chaper 4, code §35.2, line 416 of the U.S Federal Law it is legal to forcibly remove life from an individual who uses any of the aforementioned condiments (including ketchup) on any cut of bovine meat that can be construed to represent “steak”. Steak is defined as “any of various cuts of beef of varying quality, used for braising, stewing, etc”.
  • She put her shirts on inside out. Shirt would be inside out and she’d stick her head through the top of the head hole and pull it on so it was inside in. IDK why it bothered me so much but it did.
  • I once broke up with a girl because she couldn’t ever decide on something. I would say, “Lets go to the movies” and I’d even ask what movie she wanted to see, and she would NEVER make up her mind. Drove me nuts.Turns out she had another boyfriend, and when I confronted her about it, she told me “She couldn’t decide between the two of us.” fml
  • He called it ‘Malk’ and drank it with dinner. Every. Day. (Milk! With an ‘i’ goddamn it)
  • I lived with my parents at school so I didn’t have my own place for sex.I’m a big Yankees fan and a muslim. She was a red Sox fan and a jew.I thought we’d have amazing sex, but the Fucking Johnny Damon (Red Sox) poster o the wall kept staring at me. I’d turn around and there was the whole fucking red Sox team poster.Couldn’t take it. This was in 2005, 2004 was still fresh in my head.
    • I am so proud that you were able to put aside centuries of conflict between your two peoples in favor of decades of conflict between your two peoples.
  • He was uncircumcised. I just could not handle it. Big ol’ floppy egg roll dick. I feel bad that I’ve been so completely brainwashed by this socially constructed norm (in America, of course) and yadda yadda yadda but yeah, no. It was icky.
  • She would sing along with songs that were playing on the radio, but with a delay of .5 seconds, like she knew the tune, but didn’t know the words until she HEARD them. It got SO annoying, SO quickly. Nope.
  • I once broke up with a girl because she would take food off of my plate without asking… I don’t mind sharing, but touching my string cheese without permission was too much!
    • My dad would always do this to my mom… until she stabbed his hand with a fork.Not really surprised they’re divorced.
  • She wholeheartedly believes New Jersey is divided into North and South and that Central Jersey doesn’t exist. As someone from Central Jersey, I just couldn’t see her the same way after that.
  • Former ballerina. Her toes were gross.
  • When he said “um” (often) he did it in a sing-songy way making it multiple syllables.
  • She did this thing where if ever I was sitting down in a chair, she’d come up behind me and lean on me. Like not put her arm around me, or a hand on my shoulder, but like, full body weight lean on my shoulders. It was so little, but it drove me apeshit. And when I asked her not to, she would get upset because she was “just trying to snuggle and be affectionate”.
  • I was in 6th grade add was dating this girl for about 2 weeks. You could say things were getting pretty serious. I decided that I didn’t want to date her anymoer so I asked my friend to call her and break up for me. (This is why I is in quotes). He calls me back and said that he did it… except there was one problem. No one was there to answer the house phone. So what did he do? HE LEFT A FUCKING VOICEMAIL TELLING HER WE WERE BREAKING UP! Right when I heard him say he did that I knew I fucked up big time. I can only imagine the looks on her parents face when they listen to a breakup voicemail to their 6th grade daughter after a nice family night out that isn’t even from her boyfriend.
  • She said “I’m a total pothead” as a joke in reference to her love of Harry Potter, but then she followed it up with this immediate “I mean I love Harry Potter, not that I do drugs”
  • We go out to the beer distributor. I see a pair of two foot tall inflatable beer bottles. I throw one at her and start sword fighting. Not even a second into it she says “OMG let’s take a picture and put it on Facebook.” Relationship over.
  • I was around 18….she farted in front of me….that was it for me.
  • She showed up one day wearing an orange colored Fedora. I nearly didn’t open the door to let her in. I ended it shortly thereafter.
  • It was my first homecoming since I graduated university, and I didn’t want to spend the weekend with my girlfriend and her friends. So instead I broke up with her so I could drink many many beers with my friends and pass out on someone’s front lawn.
  • She didn’t like in n out burger. No joke, we went and she didn’t get anything because she’d “rather eat at home.” Broke up with her the next day.
  • She said Casablanca was “just an ordinary love story”.
  • She liked to high five too much. Like at first it was kind of cute. Oh ok, we’re 20-somethings and we high-five stuff. That’s cool. But it quickly got old. Oh, good date? High five. Oh you ordered a beer? High-five. You like this movie? High-five. HIGH-FIVES ARE SUPPOSED TO BE SPECIAL. IF YOU HIGH-FIVE EVERYTHING, NOTHING IS SPECIAL!
  • didn’t like the sound she makes when she eats, sounded like a hamster… once i started to notice, it became so loud!!
  • She talked about the act of pooping too much, and insisted on a number of occasions that if a guy wasn’t comfortable with her talking about her bodily functions, then they probably shouldn’t date.So I suggested we stop dating.
  • Her left nipple had a huge hair sticking out.. When I first saw it, I was like.. “are you going to pluck this? do you need help?” She declined.Every time we foreplay and I suck on it, it would feel like I am flossing. We broke up after 2 months.
  • I dated this girl, she was hot, she was nice, she dressed well, she was polite, I had fun on dates with her. But every time a date ended and I got back into my car, I honestly didn’t care if I ever saw her again. And I had absolutely no idea why.
  • Went on a date with a cute, skinny blonde. We went back to her place, talked a bit. Kissed some. She took her shoes off to get comfortable on her bed and made the comment, “Sorry if my feet stink. My roommate teases me about”. I didn’t smell anything, but the thought of it was a huge turn off. I made up an excuse and left.
  • I had been dating her for a couple weeks, she seemed normal enough but something was still just not quite right for me. I knew it was over when she was done chewing her gum and stuck it in my car’s ashtray without wrapping it in something first. I had to pull it off with my fingers later and it left a mess.
  • She had such small weird arms. Her arms reminded me of the Harry Potter movie where he loses all his bones. She’s one of the nicest people I know, but those arms just reminded me of overcooked spaghetti the size of bowling pins.
  • And I quote, “You actually like Who’s Line is it Anyway? That show is annoying and not funny at all.”First person I’ve ever met who disliked Who’s Line and probably the last.
  • Been dating this chick since highschool, tall, skinny, pretty and we always had a great time together. I fancy myself a good cook, which works out because I’ve never ever had a girlfriend that could cook well, knew her way around a kitchen or have basic cooking and food prep skills. Safe to say, I’ve never come home to a warm dinner. Must be nice.Anyway – I never did mind being the one doing all the cooking, as it was always delicious and I had a great time doing it. Eventually however, this caused a rift – her friends would always talk about cooking for their man etc. which led her to bring it up with me.. “eeninety, can I make you something?”… I said that it might be better if we do it together so that I could show her the basics. Great, we’re at it, but this bitch isn’t taking instruction AT ALL. I MEAN SHE STARTS HACKING AWAY AT THE POTATOES AND ONIONS IN ALL DIFFERENT SHAPES AND SIZES! I say woah woah woah, you can’t do that, that’s going to mess up the cooking process, some pieces will be overcooked, while others, undercooked. We have to focus on even cuts and careful prepping. “OMGASH WHO CARES” *HACK *CHOP *SLICE.. fuck. I explained to her that she should do things right if she wants to do things at all – which led to a fight about how everything is always “MY” way.Months pass and she comes over in the morning just as I was about to make some delicious grilled cheese sandwiches for us. As soon as she comes in and see’s what I’m doing, she asks to take over. I explicitly remind her about our fight 2 months ago. She again started to get hostile about “letting things go” and my way isn’t the right way etc. I say FINE.. cook it. I let it go but can’t help but monitor from afar. Cheese on bread.. butter on the bottom.. shit is going OK. Then I notice that the heat is on too high.. and she’s losing focus slowly. “Hey, watch the heat”, I yell… “make sure not to burn it”. She fucking FLIPS.. “I FUCKING TOLD YOU NOT TO MICROMANAGE ME!!”. Meanwhile, during this escalating row, the sandwich STILL isn’t flipped or the heat STILL hasn’t been reduced. The acidic stench of burning bread starts scorching my nostrils. “FLIP THE FUCKING BREAD!!!”, I yell.. she reacts.. and flips the sandwich over.That was it.. HOWEVER, what she forgot was to butter THE OTHER FUCKING SIDE OF THE BREAD.. LIKE WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU BORN!! The half burnt, half tasteless sandwich perfectly symbolized what our relationship had become. As soon as we came to this realization – we knew it was over.
  • I broke up with a girl after her asking me to teach her to cook.She was cutting onions…terribly. Not even a little even. “Hun, those onions are going to be unusable. They need to be evenly sized or they will not cook correctly.” “OMG WHO CARES” “I do. You asked for instructions, and you are doing it wrong.” “So what? I’m cutting the damn onions.” “No, you are massacring the onions and making extra work for me. If you don’t want to do it right, then don’t help. I don’t mind cooking, in fact I love it…if you’d rather just wait 20 minutes we will have food.” “YOU AREN”T ALWAYS RIGHT!!!” etc.Next day she asked how to cook bacon, and i’m a fan of the drying rack + oven method (comes out perfect every time)… I tell her exactly what I do (cold oven, set to max heat, check every few minutes until its done…usually takes between 8-10 minutes.) and she burns the fuck out of it 15min later and starts yelling about how I told her the wrong times etc.SHE HAD TO GO.
  • Poor Penmanship.She saw my car in the parking lot @ work. She stopped and put a note under the windshield wiper that said “Hi! Just saw your car here, and wanted to tell you how excited I am about tonight!”That night she was supposed to meet my friends. She did not. The note appeared to have been written by a 2nd grader with broken hands.Edit; Just a clarification, I never said I was proud of my decision to end the relationship based on something this shallow. I am simply admitting that this was my most George Constanza-esque break-up.That being said, it wasn’t that she used a substandard writing surface, she wasn’t avoiding using my car as writing surface. It was horrible handwriting. Not that mine mimics calligraphy or anything like that.I have always imagined her gripping the pencil in her fist, pinky down. Biting her lip and furrowing her brow, concentrating on each and every letter as she scrawled out that simple note. With her big fat kindergarten size pencil.

    The only thing that would have made that note more childish in appearance, would be if it had been scribbled out in crayon.

  • She would say “How Rude” whenever someone would tease her or be sarcastic. In that ridiculous Stephanie Tanner from Full House way or Jar Jar Binks. This wasn’t just sometimes. Every. Single. Time.Her entire sense of humor revolved around Full House. Or maybe a better description would be “Absolutely everything is funny and it all turns out right in the end.”
  • I actually did the opposite. I stayed in a relationship with a girl for well more than a year after realizing I wanted out because I didn’t want to break up with her a second time and look like a jerk a second time.We had been together for two years then broke up though I had wanted out for like a year. A year and a half later we got back together. It was good at first, but then I realized it was the same old thing over and over again and actually worse. But when I broke up with her the first time it kind of blindsided her. So I was determined I was not going to be responsible for the second break up. Eventually she broke up with me.
  • She would only eat at restaurants that served Mountain Dew. If they did not, she could/would not eat there.
  • She drank her beer with a straw. Needless to say, we didn’t go on another date.
  • Her toe nails. I could not handle the way they looked. They looked like the type of toe nail that belonged on a mini sausage toe but they were on a regular sized toe.
  • I would let her know that I’m 5 minutes away and she would respond saying ok but when I got there and let her know I’m outside she would still take an extra 10-15 minutes. We had an argument about it and I told her next time she did it I would break up with her. She did it again. I broke up with her. She was not pleased.
  • He got a perm.
  • I broke up with a very nice, sweet guy in HS because he sang to me over the phone. He had a beautiful voice, it was a lovely song, but I just can’t handle people singing in such a serious, personal manner. It made me so uncomfortable that within the next few days, I broke up with him.
  • Out shopping with GF.She then starts shoplifting clothes straight in front of me.Then grabs my hand and walks out.And that was the end of that relationship.
  • She was gluten free. I love food. Cooking is one of my favorite hobbies. Every time we went out it was a chore. She’d always see pictures of things I cooked and ask why I couldn’t make foods gluten free. I couldn’t do it.
  • She had never heard of The NeverEnding Story.
  • Was dating a girl for a few weeks. We pass a shop that sells wedding dresses. I say to her “Wow these are nice, which one would you prefer to wear on your wedding day?” She picks out the most slutty and revealing one. I honestly didn’t even see it at first there was no material there. I dumped her the next day.
  • I stopped talking to a girl once because she texted me the word nonsense as “nonesense”.
  • She truly believed in astrology, not a chance with that one
  • She refused to eat anything besides chicken nuggets and french fries. No substitutions. Not chicken tenders. Not chicken strips. If we went somewhere without nuggets and fries she would just order a Coke and watch me eat.I once made the mistake of cooking dinner for her. She took one bite and asked if I would be offended if she ran to McDonalds to get nugs/fries.
  • My friends 14 year old brother would ONLY eat spagetti-o’s. And I mean only spagetti-o’s. He wouldn’t even eat other canned pasta, like alpha-getti or chef boyardee. Had to be spagetti-o’s. If he’d go on vacation the family would take a Costco sized case with them in their suitcase and he’d eat before going to the restaurant.At a family reunion an older cousin paid him $10 to eat a hot dog. He took a bite a threw up.He was an otherwise normal kid who grew up in a totally normal family. He wasn’t being force fed and beaten or anything. He was athletic and smart. Dude only wanted to eat spagetti-o’s though.
    • I can’t stand those people who won’t eat because their corn touched the mashed potatoes or some OCD shit like that. It’s just like are you fucking kidding me? It all ends up in the same place anyway!
  • Her father. I had been dating this girl for maybe a month and I had met her parents one time, maybe during the second week. They seemed normal enough, nice, understanding, and interested in what their daughter was doing and who she was hanging out with. We were to the point of figuring out what little things about the person bother you, and which ones you can overlook for an extended period of time. For the most part, she was cool and fun to be around, but a little bit clingy. Then one day I get a call from her dad saying that he really like me as his daughters boyfriend, could tell that she was really happy, and he was looking forward to getting to know me better. That was weird, but he also didn’t want me to tell his daughter that he had called me. I broke up with her the next day.
  • She would eat her side dishes before eating the main course. It didn’t bother me until we went to a burger place and she ate her French fries(every last crumb) before her burger
  • On the second date, he made me a mixtape (on a cd)
  • We weren’t really dating at this point (more like the pre-date texting) but we had our first date planned for later in the week if that counts. Anyway, I was telling him how I had just spent the day playing Skyrim, and he found the concept of a girl playing video games to be astounding. So naturally I asked him what he played.He responded with Modern Warfare 3. Only Modern Warfare 3, nothing else.That first date never did happen.
  • She got scared way to easily. We were at my house staying the night and at the time I lived with my mom who was gone for the weekend. We were watching a movie ( i believe it was a romantic comedy, nothing scary) and the heat kicked on. On top of the vent was a small plastic Shaws bag. The heat caused the bag to fly up in the air. I glanced over because it caught my attention. I made a note of it, laughed and proceeded to continue watching the movie. My SO burst into tears and started shaking. I clearly remember being very annoyed and broke up with her on the spot
  • She wore bell bottom jeans, in 2013.
  • She used my toothbrush. Who uses another person’s toothbrush?
  • She didn’t like Disney movies.
  • She squeezed the toothpaste from the middle like some sort of Neanderthal instead of from the bottom up like a civilized human being.
  • I slept with a girl and she stole my pillow. So she had two pillows and I had none.Never called her again.
  • Bread crumbs in the butter
  • She showed up at my house unannounced. I opened the door thinking it was pizza and she just walked in. I broke up with her a few minutes later.
    • I had a girlfriend that did this. Told her to stop. Next day, guess what.Except she didn’t just show up. She showed up, found my key, and let herself in. We’d been dating two weeks at them time. I was really stoned and halfway into a nap at the time, so I started to panic.
  • My ex-girlfriend was paying the bale of her ex-boyfriend so that he didn’t have to go back to jail. Even after he had stolen from her multiple times. Like a few thousand dollars at least. She made me drive to him on my birthday so that she could give him some money. He just smiled and walked away. I broke up with her the next day.
  • I started seeing this guy and come football season I realized that he was a Cowboys fan and I’m a die hard Eagles fan. It just wasn’t going to work out.
  • She wouldn’t let me eat fries on the way home from the drive thru. I tolerated it for a good while, but she crossed a line when we went to In’N Out. Those fries are specifically meant to be eaten as soon as humanly possible. That was the end of that.
  • On our first date, I brought her home. I went to let my dog out for a grand total of five minutes, and she shaved her genitals using my razor. I came back in, went in the bathroom, and it was like a shaving cream bomb went off. Then I noticed my razor, wet with hairs on it. I have a full beard, and hadn’t used it in over a week. She then played it off like nothing happened, and there was nothing she felt like telling me.
  • Her bed was too uncomfortable.
  • Without my consent she would reach over to my plate and take bites of my food with every meal. She would wait until I cut my steak to steal bites.
  • She had a mole on her eyelid. Every time I kissed her I saw it when I was leaning in. I started having dreams that the mole was talking to me…. That was the end.
  • I broke up with a girl because she wouldn’t stop talking while I was watching TV, and I told her before she came over that I was gonna spend the whole day watching TV and when she left I sent her a text asking if she got home safe and when she said yes I sent I don’t think we should see each other any more. We hadn’t sleep together yet so I felt a text break up was acceptable.
  • The day after we got together, she turned her Claddagh ring around.
  • on our second official date, he tried to tell me that Futurama and The Simpsons were basically the same show with a different cast.
  • Had to sing along with every song she ever crossed paths with.(Especially annoying on songs she’s never heard before and she’s trying to anticipate the words)
  • She didn’t understand a thing about baseball.
  • He showed up to take me to a classical concert wearing flannel.
  • She looked like a child when we would go out to dinner. By that I mean I wanted to borrow some telephone books to prop up her seat a little higher. Whenever we went out it felt like I was buying dinner for a middle school child.
  • We’d been dating for about two weeks and I went on a trip. I get a voicemail from him that’s just him checking in and seeing how I’m doing, and at the end I heard him say what sounded like “Okay, I love you, bye.” He claimed that that’s not what he said (and to this day I don’t think it’s what he said/meant either) but at the time I wasn’t willing to take that chance.
  • He always drove 5 below the speed limit, when asked about it he’d say “oh I’m just a safe driver”. No, you’re a moron that shouldn’t be allowed to have a license.
  • gf dumped me cus I made a fart noise when she bent over. Her boss and I laughed till we couldn’t breathe. Office started making fart noises whenever anyone , especially her, Bent over.I didn’t know girls didn’t fart 🙁
  • I once broke up with someone because they slept on my side of the bed. No dice!
  • Took her to a seafood place because she said she loved eating shrimp. She got her order of peel-and-eats and just started eating them whole. She genuinely didn’t know you peel off the outsides (the exoskeleton and legs). Nope.
  • She would always say how much she loved to travel, but has never been outside of California. Retweeting, reblogging, Instagram, everything about her “travels to the grocery store” or “my travels to Yosemite”. I ended it cause I said I needed space, last thing she said to me was “good luck on your travels”.
  • “I love your Burberry scarf” she says to me on our first date. It was a gift from family. It was a little foreshadowing of what was to come.
    I come to learn that she loves fashion. She was attractive. That’s fine. I have no interest in it. One day she calls me wanting to vent about her horrible sister in law. “She bought me a Tommy Hilfiger shirt for my birthday! I hate Tommy Hilfiger! She has no style! She doesn’t know my brands! My brother knows my brands! We are very close so he knows my brands. How can he marry someone like that!?!?” I never spoke to her again.
  • I dated a professional classical musician, so his hands were obviously his moneymakers. But. I couldn’t bear them. His hands were ridiculously soft, except for the tips where he held the viola strings. Plus they were usually sweaty. There were other things as well, but the hands were unbearable and I cringed inside if I thought about them when he touched me. Yuck.
  • He had cats. He was great on paper and so nice. Good job, had a house, but he had cats.
  • She said “liberry” instead of “library.”
  • I once kissed a guy who had no clue on how to french kiss. He just opened his mouth and that was it. When my tongue tried to get in, he backed off like it was gross.But, afterwards, he glued his open mouth to my teeth. It was like kissing a hole in the ground. Like he was on the receiving end of some weird CPR training. This is precisely when I decided to nope out of there. His asking to marry me 48 hours later after what had been our first date only made me more confident to blacklist him forever.
  • A girl put her bare feet on the dashboard of my (new at the time) Lexus.
  • I went on two dates with this really cute girl from Tinder. We had a lot of similar interests and she was also a redditor. When I mentioned I liked the Seinfeld subreddit she made this face and said she hated the show. She then described the parking garage episode as “the stupidest thing ever.” I realized then that we should not date and never called her again.
  • She bowled weird. I understand that it can be fun to throw the ball granny style or backwards sometimes, but EVERY SINGLE THROW? UNACCEPTABLE.
  • I once broke up with a girl because, among some other little things, she insisted on sleeping with a stuffed animal when we were in bed together. We shared a twin when she stayed over. It wasn’t pleasant.
  • His toenails were so long they clicked on the floor like a dog.Edit: like a dog a Jurassic Park Raptor. Thanks for the visual and traumatizing video, everyone!
  • She held her hamburger upside down.Like thumb on the top and fingers on the bottom.
  • She didn’t believe in the moon landing
  • We went to a BBQ place in Memphis and she ate ribs with a knife and fork. That was a deal breaker.
  • I saw a picture of her when she was younger and couldn’t get past how ugly she was before puberty
  • One month in she told me she had six weddings she wanted us to go to in the next few months.
  • after about a month of dating it was my birthday. she bought me a lighter with a 5 year warranty. she told me that she’d buy me another one in 5 years. i ran away.
  • As we were having dinner, a rastafari guy walked in. I said “hey, check out Bob Marley over there.” She just kind of giggled, but I thought maybe she didn’t hear me, so I repeated it. She said “do you know that guy?” I said “no, I’m just joking about how he looks like Bob Marley.” She said “I don’t know who that is.” When I told her “Bob Marley, the reggae singer,” she said “I don’t listen to reggae.” Yeah….I can’t deal with someone who doesn’t know who Bob Marley is. I don’t listen to reggae either, what does that have to do with it??
  • I’m really into craft beers and I get super excited when I go to a place with a really big tap and/or bottle selection. I was on a second date with a guy and we were at a local bar with one of the best bottle selections in town. As I’m standing there analyzing the different bottles, trying to narrow down what I’d like to try, he orders us two Busch Lites.
  • She used semicolons. In gchat conversations.
  • She bought me a giant Happy Birthday cookie and presented it to me at my workplace in front of my co-workers.
    • Do I seem like someone who’d want something like this?
    • At work?
    • In public?
    • We hadn’t even banged yet.
    • And those cookies are shit, anyway.
  • Went on a couple dates with a girl and one night she was at my place after the date. She asked me what time it was, I checked my watch and said “quarter after 10”. She lived 10 minutes away and said “Oh fuck I have to be home by 10:30 I’ll never make it”. I said “It’s 10:15, just head out now and you are fine” and her response was “Well why the hell did you say quarter after then!?”
  • A guy (I’m also a guy) I was on a date with tried to arm wrestle me at the table in a nice restaurant.
  • I dated someone who would point out the homes of non mutual friends while we drove around, “my buddy joe lives there. my buddy craig lives there, I once knew a chick that lived there”, drove me nuts.
  • The fact he had a special inside pocket sewn into his trench coat to hold his handgun and Satanic Bible was off-putting.
  • I was on the receiving end, she says “remember how I became a vegetarian? One day I woke up and I just decided I didn’t want to eat meat any more, and I haven’t since. Well, it’s the same with us.”
  • She was allergic to peanut butter. Like really bad. If I was gonna see her I couldn’t have peanut butter for the two days before. That’s a life I don’t want to live.
  • I had my license suspended, and she was willing to drive me around and come to pick me up. Once my license was reinstated, it was no longer convenient for me to date her.
  • When she watched shows on the DVR she wouldn’t fast forward through the commercials.
  • She was an over-soaper. She always used too much soap when she washed her hands! Not only did it waste soap but there was a gross film of soap residue on her hands!
  • She was a huge Harry Potter fan but made fun of me for liking Star Trek.
  • “Oh, I love Jar-Jar! He’s my favorite Star Wars character.”
  • I dated a guy who would never fully close the door when entering or exiting a room (with the occasional exception of the front door) he would even fail to fully close the bathroom door while using the toilet.
  • She put peas in my lasagna. Who does that?
  • I had a bet with some friends that I could go a whole month without jerking off or having sex. I had to break up with someone I had recently started seeing so I wouldn’t lose $50.
  • Dumped a guy one time because I thought he was too obsessed with his dog……….. He talked about her All.The.Time. She was this giant pitt bull/lab mix and had ruined all his furniture/carpets and she constantly jumped up on me and scratched up my arms and legs with her claws. The creepy part was he always thought this was hilarious and would pet her when we came home to his couch cushions all ripped up. Never crated her. She would sit between us on the couch when we watched TV/movies…….. It was like having a third person in the room.
  • -Her eyes were slightly misaligned when her glasses were off. Sex was weird.-She wore socks with sandals nearly every day (also, foot odor).-She always (ALWAYS!) had a cold.-She chewed her hair constantly.-She put lemon in her beer, even beers that weren’t offered with lemon.

    -She stole some candy from a store, right in front of me. It was our third date.

    -She couldn’t pronounce the word “nuclear” properly, even after correction.

    -She had never read a book outside of school and seemed proud of it.

  • Going through the Classics section of my local video store, She turns to me and says, “Aren’t there any good movies?” I look at her and I’m like, “These are fantastic movies!” predator, alien, rambo, rocky, nightmare on elm street, etc. And she says, “They’re all old….”
  • she eats her food one thing at a time. Like, she has steak, mashed potatoes, veggies on her plate right? She eats all of her mashed potatoes… THEN she eats all of her steak… THEN she eats all of her veggies. Leaving each piece of food untouched until she’s finished another. So after making steaks for us, after 5 minutes, I would ask her “so how is the steak?” And she’d be like “Oh… I haven’t had any yet.”
  • This girl told me she didn’t pee in the shower, never had, never would.Blatant lie, she couldn’t be trusted.
  • Her big toe and the one next to it we’re webbed together on both feet- kind of like Kevin Costner in Waterworld.
  • I broke up with her because she refused to drive on highways
  • She let her dachshund
  • on her bed. When we were having sex.
  • Everytime I order take out, out of politeness I ask other people in the room (friend, family, dates) if they want some and usually imply it’s my treat.I said to her “I’m hungry, do you want something to eat?” and she said “no” and I made sure “Are you sure? Anything you want is fine!” and she said “no, thanks, honestly.” So I ordered some take out just for myself, just enough for ME because she wasn’t just clear, she was EXTRA CLEAR she did not want anything.Food arrives. “uh can I have some?” mental sigh “yes. yes you can have some” I ate half-a-meal, she ate half-a-meal, I’m not satisfied, she is not satisfied. “Are you sure you don’t want me to order you something?”. She replied “No, I’m not hungry” while eating. She did this too many times. Well damn it all to hell then.
    • “I’m sorry but I ordered exactly as much as I wanted to eat, I asked you if you wanted me to order you anything.. You’re more than welcome to help yourself to anything in the kitchen.”
  • Her pinky toe was long. As long as her other toes. It really freaked me out
  • A girl I was dating used the word “titties”.
  • He had weird, tiny (like smaller than half of a tic-tac) nipples that were surrrounded by hair… And nowhere else was there hair! Just teensy, incredibly hairy nipples, no chest hair, no “happy trail”… They were like tiny, fuzzy hair islands. He took off his shirt and I suddenly had somewhere important I had to be.
  • I broke up with my high school sweetheart in college because we saw the Big Lebowski (initial release btw) and she hated it. I was amazed by it and knew this meant there was a major chasm between us we’d never bridge.
  • Her friend was kicking my chair in class and I asked her to stop and the girlfriend took her friend’s side.
  • Asked me what I thought sounded good on the menu while at a restaurant. Then she ordered that for me. I didn’t want her to order for me, I’m a big boy.
  • She didn’t know the difference between Ac/Dc and Def Lepperd
  • In my senior year of high school, I dated a cheerleader for like a good month. I then realized the school’s Winter Ball was coming up soon. Even just the thought of dancing in public with another human is enough to give me a serious anxiety attack. So I decided breaking up with her was the best corse of action.
  • I once broke up with someone because they had a land line phone. It was 2012. It made me think he was lying about being 30.
  • She REFUSED to chew if I was looking anywhere in her direction. At first I thought it was cute, but on the 3rd dinner date, she was still doing it and it was silent for like a half hour with me sitting there, looking away so that she could eat.
  • One night we’re just laying in bed, and the shenanigans are over so I’m pretty exhausted. I spread out a little to get comfortable and my foot rubs up against her, and I notice she is still wearing socks. So I asked her “do you sleep with your socks on?” and she gave the happiest reply ever. I couldn’t comprehend how someone could do that. That was really the final straw. She also poured milk in the bowl THEN cereal. She was every “quirk” I loathe.
  • I was wearing a star wars shirt and she asked me if that’s from those stupid “star movies”.
  • I stopped dating a gal because she would not/could not eat in public. My kitchen, no problem, breakroom at work, no problem. Olive Garden, problem.
    • I wouldn’t eat at Olive Garden either. You sure that if you, just maybe, you took her somewhere else maybe she would have eaten something?
  • I’m a cuddler, and he had weirdly prickly upper-arm hair. Like, it hurt. For some reason after about 6 months this completely destroyed my sexual attraction to him. I was so terrified of that prickly feeling.
  • she had ugly furniture but the last straw was I didn’t like the color of her comforter
  • She wanted to make a photo collage of us… After being with her for four days.
  • We were dating for a little while and I didn’t like her enough to get her a Christmas present so I broke up with her right after Thanksgiving.
    • I had a guy do this to me. The thing was, we were just causally dating and I didn’t expect a gift from him. We didn’t even know each other that well. I didn’t care and moved on. Mid January he starts calling again. Cool. We hang out a few times. Then February rolls around and he disappears again. I told all of my friends that after Valentines Day was over he’d call again. Sure enough, the last week of February he starts calling again. I ignored those ones. I didn’t even expect or want a present from him. I totally get it though, it wouldn’t have been so ridiculous if he didn’t keep coming back after any gift giving holiday. haha.
  • He kissed like a snake. He pointed his tongue hard to make a tip and it darted it in and out of his mouth repeatedly, with his lips nearly closed, stabbing my outer lip and my teeth. I tried coaxing different styles of kissing over several weeks, but no. Dart, Jab, Dart, Jab, Dart, Jab.
  • She put the spoon into the sugar jar after stirring her coffee. Would leave clumps of coffee sugar.
  • He wiped his two dogs’ butts with toilet paper every time they came back inside.
  • She didn’t laugh at my jokes; she would say “that’s funny”
  • Girl #1: She said that The Olive Garden has hands down the best Italian food and was her favorite restaurantGirl #2: She pronounced “milk”….”MELK”Girl #3: She had an abnormal hatred for monkeysGirl #4: She actually said Shawshank Redemption was a terrible movie

    Girl #5: Got a tattoo commemorating her deceased grandfather….on her upper ass

  • She pronounced it “cold slaw”
  • One guy ate like a t-rex. He would keep his elbows by his side while he ate and leaned over to get his food off his fork.
  • I have dated 3 Chris creatures in my life time. All of them were absolutely weird and unsexy for some reason. Now, even if they’re sexy as hell, I won’t date a Chris, because I know something is weird.
  • She was a one-upper. She’d have a better version of every one of my stories.
  • I said ATM machine and she called me out on it (“What you just said means automatic teller machine machine”). I decided right then that I didn’t want to be around her anymore.
  • She didn’t like the movie Elf.
  • I have curly hair, I straighten it for manageability.I dated a boy for almost four months. When he discovered that my hair was naturally curly he dumped me because “curly hair is such a turn off”.
  • A co-worker of mine broke up with a woman because she mixed the peanut butter and jelly together before putting it on the bread.
  • I once broke up with a guy because he cried when we watched the Notebook. It was his copy of the DVD and we both had seen it several times before and I felt like it was weird that he was crying and I wasn’t.
  • She went to a music festival one time three years ago. Then every time a song would come on the radio she would say “oh they were so gooood live!!” It would happen at least twice in a ten minute car ride. Doubt she saw over 50 bands at a one day music festival.
  • Barbeque sauce. She was from St. Louis and decided that St. Louis style was the ONLY bbq sauce that she would use. I season and smoke a beautiful brisket, and she slathers it with sweet bbq sauce WITHOUT EVEN TRYING IT AS IT WAS INTENDED.
  • I left my ex because she would never clear the leftover time on the microwave.
  • I was 4 days before my birthday and she said she was going to get me a gift. I knew I couldn’t break up with her for at least 30 days after accepting her gift and I wasn’t willing to make a 34 day commitment to the relationship.
  • Whenever we had music playing in the car she would sing backup. She would add her own sounds or words between music breaks or she would try to sing harmony.
  • She wore the same deodorant as my mother does.
  • I dated a girl for a short time, based on a blind date. One night, we were driving to dinner and I was telling a story. I ended by saying “It was funny as hell.”She looked at me and asked, “Do you really think hell is funny?”
    • Didn’t happen to me, but a friend. They were driving to a nearby large city on a date, and halfway through the drive, the girl casually mentioned that he was probably going to hell. Not as a joke. She meant it. Then she just continued the conversation as if that’s not a super fucked up thing to say to someone you’re romantically interested in.
  • This guy I was seeing would call me on my cell phone about 2 or 3 times a day “just to chat”.
  • turn my toilet paper around the WRONG way so that the sheets being dispensed were at the BACK of the roll closest to the wall.
  • Every time I yawned she thought it hilarious if she stuck her finger in my open mouth. I could never relax…always had to be prepared for oral violation
  • went on a date last week with a guy who wouldn’t open the door to a restaurant for her and ate onion rings with a fork and knife.
  • He said he didn’t like chocolate.
  • Couldn’t stand the way he rolled dice. He’d shake them for much too long then fling them across the table. We were done that night.
  • I broke up with someone because they said they couldn’t take me seriously if I didn’t believe in ghosts
  • Went on a date with a girl to baseball game, she gets a foul ball and doesn’t even consider to give it to the kid sitting behind us
  • Dating a girl for about 2 weeks. We both enjoyed the cereal, but she always bought Cookie Crisp. Whenever she would make a bowl she would howl “COooooookie Crisp!”. Drove me nuts.
  • She would occasionally bite her fork when she was eating, making a irritating noise when she pulled the fork out… it was like the noise you hear when someone draws a sword in a movie. I hated it. She was a pretty nice girl otherwise, but I just couldn’t eat with D’Artagnan practicing his draw around me.
  • I kissed her and her lips were too firm.
  • this girl i had just started dating the week before invited me over for easter. Her mom had made this pretty big easter basket for me and I couldnt handle it. Too much too soon. I left and never talked to her again.
  • After a couple dates I decided to look at her instagram page.90% cat pictures.
  • one night she asked me, “Can I sucky on your dicky?” It was the first, and last, time I turned down sexually activity. We broke up right then and there.
  • Her dead dad’s collection of Nazi paraphernalia.
  • She would sing the song whenever it was on television or the radio. No matter where the song was playing, she would start singing along with it. If we were watching a movie and a song she knew came on she would just start singing it and I couldn’t hear the damn movie. If I was watching the Top 100 Best Songs from the 90’s on MTV when they would play it, she would literally sing every song on the countdown while it was playing.
  • We had planned to do dinner and a movie but I had to work late, so we stopped at Chik-Fil-A on the way to the theater. After she finished eating, she threw her trash out of my car and into the street
  • She used “lol” in spoken language.
  • He wore woolen womans tights under his pants in winter.
  • I took her out to eat. I said I wanted the salmon, she suggested I ordered a burger ‘like a man’.
  • She told me a story about how she missed a flight because she went to the wrong airport.
  • He measured his food on a scale. Even in restaurants. He was a bodybuilder.
  • The moment was when I saw her shit. Not the verb, the noun. She had to use the bathroom at my place before we hopped in the shower together, and as I’m undressing and ready to hop in, I see this giant floater. I avert my eyes, hoping she’ll notice and do something about it. She doesn’t even seem to care! So I put the lid down at least and she says, “I think there’s something wrong with your toilet.”Okay, so not only is there a gross shit in my toilet that broke the spell of this image of a beautiful woman, but now she’s blaming me for it! That stuff pisses me off. After a few weeks we break up.A couple months later I go to use my toilet and notice a floater. I knew I had flushed last time I used it and I watched the shit get sucked away, but it had resurfaced. Apparently the pressure is just low enough in my toilet that sometimes the shit gets sucked away, but not out of the bend in the toilet, and can inch it’s way back and surprise you the next time you go to use it.So wait, maybe she was right, I thought, maybe there is something wrong with my toilet. And I think back to that night and realized I had taken a dump right before she came over. So not only was my toilet really broken, but it had been MY shit in the toilet all along that had turned me off from her.
    • This was actually the subject of a huge fight between me and my SO. He always poops before going to bed, and this one particular night that’s what he did (I was already in bed). The next morning I go into the bathroom and see the toilet is clogged and his poop is still in it. I go into the bedroom and wake him up to tell him he clogged it, and he smiles reassuringly at me and goes “it’s okay, I know you poop”. He was ADAMANT that his flush had worked the night prior, and that I clogged the toilet and was pinning it on him out of embarrassment. He still thinks so. Fuck I’m mad again.
    • This is so tragic shakespeare could’ve written it.
  • Was staying at a beachhouse with girlfriend and her family. Outdoor shower. I’m in there fapping up a storm because, I don’t know, it felt appropriate at the time. You ever get that feeling that someone is watching you? Turns out you can look down into the shower from the top deck railing and her mom and aunt are laughing it up like little girls watching me operate the dutch rudder. I didn’t say a single word to girlfriend, got in my car, drove 3 hours home. Just never called her or returned her falls. She still has my favorite beach towel
  • girl I woke up with was just staring at me.. Nope!
  • I took her to a baseball game and things were going well. But she kept referring to the crowd as “the humans” or “you humans”. For instance, 3rd inning comes around and so does the wave. Once it passes us, she sits down, laughs and says “You humans have weird customs.” This freaked me out. All I could think was if we are the humans… wtf are you?!
  • guy pronounced italian/spanish/french food with a fake italian/spanish/french accent.
  • I dumped a girl because her ex had the same name as me.
  • She used to sneak up on me while I’m peeing, grab hold of my junk and start aiming for me.
  • She was putting mustard on her fries by applying it to her hand first and then rubbing it all over the fries. Then she licked the mustard off her hand.
  • She’d wait until she had the bartender’s attention and then start to decide what she wanted to drink.
  • We are at a local brewery and she looks as though she is about to cry. I ask her what the problem is and she mentions that they don’t have any vegan options. They have plenty of vegetarian options that allow for you to substitute for vegan cheese, so I suggest that. At this point tears are rolling down her cheek. I ask if she has another place in mind and she immediately perks up. We head over to that restaurant and she orders fish tacos.
    • I’m female and pretty much straight. I would have wanted to punch her in the fucking boob. That idiot.
      • Okay here is a totally unrelated question but how bad does it hurt to be punched in the boob?
        • It’s pretty painful, though not as terrible as getting punched in the balls, I imagine.
          • As a trans lady I have both boobs and balls.Balls still hurt more.
  • I mentioned once that I liked black forest cake in an off-the-cuff remark. The next time I saw the guy, he had this enormous black forest cake. He made me sit down and eat a piece, but I was still full from lunch so I didn’t want to eat the big piece. He got mad, and accused me of lying about the black forest cake. I was like, this guy’s a nut.
  • she called her parents way to often and at inappropriate times. We had been dating less than a week and she called her dad almost immediately after sex and tried to hand me the phone so I could introduce myself. I was still catching my breath.
  • I broke up with someone because they didn’t know how to do long division.
  • We went to a movie and she ordered a large drink, which is fine. Then when the movie was over she wouldn’t just toss her unfinished beverage in the garbage. Instead she insisted on keeping. She carried it to the car and asked me to hold it when she put on her seat belt. Then she drank it all the way home.Movie drinks and popcorn don’t leave the theater in my world so she had to go.
  • She always wanted me to buy her flowers. Pretty much every other day. The times I did buy her flowers she would say, “You only bought me flowers because I told you to!” I was stuck in a vicious cycle of never being able to buy flowers without being criticized for doing the gesture only because she reminded me.
  • She drank beer from a can through a straw. Not the only reason we broke up, but that was the straw that broke it.
  • she called me up after being away with her parents for a weekend, screaming and crying that “If I really loved her, i would have been calling and leaving poems on her answering machine” while she was away.
  • She pronounced “library” as “lie-berry”.
  • We went to Disney World and we had to stand in an hour-long line to get Minnie’s autograph. Twice.
  • He shaved everything. And I mean everything. I get shaving somethings but everything was just too freaking weird for me.
  • when she wanted me to do something, she would pick up one of her kittens, use the “kittens voice” and ask if i could do it…. everytime…. baaaakkkedpotaytooee could you pwwweeeaaaasssse make me sum din dins white meowwww…
  • When we were holding hands she held my hand wrong.
  • He told me I couldn’t use the bathroom that was off of his room in his house, I had to use the one in the hallway. It wasn’t that he had any secret things in there; believe you me, I looked. It just grated on me.Who did he think he was? Was I not good enough to piss where he pisses? I have to share the hall bathroom with his 17-year-old brother Andreas? This guy (the one I was dating, not Andreas) worked with me in a lab, we published a couple things together. We got along great. Professional and personal chemistry like you wouldn’t believe. I had to quit and seek other employment because the bathroom thing offended me so much.
  • I broke up with someone because they wouldn’t stop cracking their knuckles.
  • Who orders pizza with onions only, no cheese, and extra sauce!
  • As we entered a really nice bar and grill she says to me “can we just go to Applebees instead?”
  • She was a bad driver. She didn’t understand the concept of part throttle. To speed up to the flow of traffic she would go full throttle then let off completely Need to increase speed by 3 miles an hour? Full throttle to the next cars bumper then let off completely. On/off, ALL.THE.TIME.
  • couldn’t agree on a thermostat setting, she was always cold and i was always hot
  • She refused to get her drivers license. I’m not being a chauffer for the rest of my life.
  • He told me his absolute favorite movie was “The Little Mermaid.” I mean, yeah, Its an okay movie, but when you are a 23 year old guy, it’s a tad undignified to love a mermaid that much.
  • I broke up with my first boyfriend at 14 because I found a photo on bebo of him with a condom on his head and didn’t want to be associated with him.
  • I dumped a guy because he couldn’t cook. Anything. Literally, he had lived in his apartment for a couple years and when he moved in, the oven didn’t work. He never bothered to have management replace it because he couldn’t cook anything that would have required an oven anyway. His parents must have had some serious gender roles enforced because his sister could make anything from scratch.
  • She showed up to a halloween party with a store bought costume instead of making it herself.
  • During every commercial break we had to see what’s on the hone shopping network.
  • She didn’t know what NPR was. Like had never heard of it.
  • She used the word “funner.” A lot.
  • He was a really picky eater. He said on our first date that he was too “afraid” to try chocolate. Whose afraid of loving something?? That was our only date.
  • She didn’t believe in dinosaurs
  • He owned a pair of trousers with elastic on the waistband
  • She was a one-upper. She even one-upped my grandfather’s WWII stories.
  • I’d just gotten home from two weeks overseas, and we went to dinner at this burger place with awesome milkshakes. I ordered a milkshake, and when it arrived, he said, “Wow! That looks great. Do you mind if I try it?” And before I could respond, he stuck his finger in the whipped cream – I didn’t have the chance to try my milkshake before his finger was in it!
  • She said, and I quote: “I could never go down on you, peens are gross.”
  • After lunch I was dropping her off at her house. I looked over and there was a large booger hanging out of her nose. I couldn’t look at her and talked staring straight ahead. When she finally decided to exit my car, I looked at her and the booger was gone. We hadn’t been seeing each other that long. So it wasn’t weird to not hug or kiss goodbye, which I did neither. I went straight to the car wash and had my car detailed. I never spoke to her again after that.
  • When we were chatting before a date she asked me the question, “What is the best cereal in the world.” This is obviously a bullshit question but I gave it a go. I think I answered Honey Bunches of Oates because that cereal is awesome. She got really sad and disappointed that I didn’t know the right answer. Not in a teasing way but actually upset. It killed the whole date.The next time I saw her for a date she shoved a box of cereal into my arms and said “THIS is the best cereal in the whole world. I want you to have it!” She gave me a box of Waffle Crisp. I had never tried it before. The date went fine and I went home. I was hungry so I figured I would try this cereal. Why the fuck not? It was awful. Waffle Crisp is awful.I didn’t respond to her texts that night and in the morning she called and asked if something was wrong. I was sitting on my couch talking to her, staring at that box of waffle crisp and I just, without thinking said, “Yea, I don’t think I am ready to be in a relationship right now. You are really cool but I just don’t feel like dating anyone.” I did not create those words, they just happened. We exchanged our final remarks. I hung up, deleted her from my phone, threw away the waffle crisp box and felt a wave of relief wash over me.
  • She couldn’t sleep in a room unless the window was left open. Joke is on her, I could not sleep unless it was closed
  • He pronounced it NOOK-yuh-ler.
  • She refused to text with whole words. I just couldn’t take it anymore having to decipher the constant messages.
  • I once broke up with a girl because she did not know the date the Declaration of Independence was signed.
  • she ate pixie sticks for lunch one time.
  • she ate her steaks well-done… how did I find this out? She cooked steaks, quality cuts, and when I asked her, she said “oh, I only EAT MY STEAKS WELL-DONE.”
  • She kissed like a turtle. It’s like she curled her lips into her mouth and would just slowly mash her face against mine. I don’t know what it looked like, but I imagine it looked something like a turtle eating, because that’s how it felt.
  • She was 16 and had just received her driver’s license. She did all the Princess Peach sounds clips from Mario Kart while driving. Not only was it annoying, but it made me realize that she didn’t take driving seriously, which scared the crap out of me.
  • I went to go take a poop one morning. While I’m on the shitter she leaves for work without telling me or saying bye.She texted me saying “love you too you fucking asshole.”
  • Used to go out with a girl who would never order food when we went to a restaurant. Always said she wasn’t hungry. She’d be good.But then she would always eat stuff off my plate. I ordered what I ordered because I knew it was the appropriate amount that I wanted to eat to full my stomach and she would fuck with that.So one time we went out for lunch, she didn’t order anything, my food came and she took some fries. I said, if you eat one more fry off my plate we are fucking done. She laughed it off, took more fries. I got up and left her there stuck with the bill and a sense of wondering what the hell just happened.
  • He gave me directions to my own house — every single time
  • She had stayed the night one time. At some point she gets thirsty, but only for milk. I’m all out so we go to the store and I get a gallon so she can have some and I’ll have some for cereal in the morning.She had to be at work early so she left before I was awake. When I awoke and went to the fridge to grab milk for my cereal, I see that not only had she taken the entire gallon, she had also made off with a double bacon cheeseburger I had saved for lunch.
  • She rhymed her words. Awesome Possum! Neato Squito!
  • A guy gave me a fist bump for our anniversary
  • He didn’t like cheese.
  • He wore the vibram fivefinger shoes. The shoes that have toe shapes. Could absolutely not take him seriously. Broke up with him after three dates.
  • He didn’t want to go kayaking in a spring because he was afraid of manatees.
  • She cleaned out my car.
  • Dumped a guy because he would order fried chicken, then remove all the breading from the chicken. I would ask him why he didn’t just get grilled chicken if he didn’t like the breading and he just shrugged.He also did not own any furniture to sit in when we watched TV. He had a computer chair and a metal folding chair.He also cried when I talked about moving to a town about 15 minutes away from the place I lived at the time. “If you move to Blah Town, where will I park?!” he asked. I said it wasn’t my concern where he parked. He cried after I said this and I couldn’t believe my eyes. We lasted a few more weeks and I had to end it.
  • My date dipped his sandwich in my gravy – without asking!
  • She was me. Not literally, of course. I’m not a time traveler, that would be…ridiculous. Anyway, she was a really nice and cute girl. We met while playing tennis. We went to the same coach, saw each other at a lot of tournaments, etc. I could tell she had a little bit of a thing for me, so we went on a few dates. But one thing just kept nagging at me when I looked at her: I saw me. I mean it was stupid, trivial stuff, but was also kind of creepy. Our names were almost the same. If my name was Chris Wong, her name was Christine Wang (I’m not going to give my real name, so don’t freak out). We were the same ethnicities. Both our fathers are Chinese, born in the US. Both of our mothers are white, from the Midwest. And she had my car! Like the exact same make, model, color and year!! She had freckles! I have freckles. I have brown hair and green eyes. Yup, her too. I mean, she was really great and I liked her a lot. But then I started thinking…does that make me some sick narcissist? It messed with my head the whole time. So I fingered her once and then broke it off the next day.
  • She expressed her support–and admiration– for Sarah Palin.
  • Had an ex who always had a problem with her food when we went out to eat. Every single time there was something wrong. If your food isn’t made to your liking every time you go out, maybe you’re the fucking problem.
  • Too many hashtags
  • I asked him to bring a bottle of red wine to go with dinner and he brought Raspberry Arbor Mist.
  • Telling me the same story a few times and then having to sit and listen to her repeat it week after week to our friends
  • I went out on a couple of dates with this girl. First time we met up, I paid for dinner. I have no problem with that, I like to be the one that pays the first time out. In fact, I’ll outright refuse to accept it any other way – Its just who I am. The second time we met up, the bill comes and I notice that she doesn’t make an offer to pay or to split the bill. Okay, no biggie. I pay again. But this time I’m silently judging her for not even making a polite gesture to get it. The third time comes and I’m already waiting to see how she acts when the bill comes. In fact, I’ve stewed on it since the last time we met up. Same thing. No offer, no conversation about it, the bill just sits there in the middle of the table until I grab it and pay. I was basically done at this point but figured I was owed a meal, so I reluctantly went on a fourth date with her. As I met her at the restaurant, I let her know that I forgot my wallet at home and offer to drive back to get it unless she can cover dinner tonight. She does…Long story short, I ordered steak and never returned her phone calls.
  • He told me a pair of shoes I wanted to buy were obnoxious
  • He wouldn’t turn off his stereo when he called me from his car.
  • We dated for about a month and she bought me a lamp. That seemed like too big a commitment so I broke it off.
  • Dated a guy that was from New Jersey named Tony. Whenever he was a bit drunk and someone asked his name, he would reply “Toe” (point to his toe) and “Knee” (point to his knee). Between that and his thick New Jersey accent, I couldn’t take it.
  • He (a 30 year old “man”) was grossed out that I PROPERLY disposed of a panty liner in his bathroom trash can.
  • Me and my gf would hang out, go see a movie or something.. Whatever. Then I’d take her home, Kiss her goodnight, then go home too.Two minutes later I’ll get a call from her, “I miss you”This would happen constantly and I couldn’t stand the clingyness so I had to let her go
  • We were lying in bed and she smelled my sweaty armpit. Full on, deep inhale, like she was searching for cocaine in my pit. I broke it off two days later.
  • He wore velcro shoes almost every day. It was like dating someone who was 87
  • We had been dating for several weeks but during a dinner date she ate the show lettuce that was on the plate. There is no coming back from that.
  • I dated this guy that worked at one of the best bakery in my city and he would bring me the best cakes I have ever eaten every time we saw each other. After a while he quitted, so he stoped bringing me cakes. So i dumped him.
  • We often went out to dinner with her extended friend group, and the process of paying the bill at the end of the evening was excruciating. Here’s how it would go:
    • Waitress brings bill to the table
    • Some ‘naive’ voice of reason who is unfamiliar with this group suggests we just split the bill evenly. I say, great idea!
    • The suggestion is immediately shot down and someone gets a pen
    • The bill goes around the table, and each person is responsible for totaling EXACTLY what they ordered, factoring both tip and tax.
    • The total is written on the back of the receipt next to the name of the person and the last four digits of the credit card number. Credit card goes into the stack.
    • Repeat for each person at the table, often 12+ people. Frequently couples do this individually of one another – so one couple, two credit cards.
    • The bill-paying-lead now adds up all the subtotals. The numbers NEVER add up and the process repeats again until the math works out.

    It was awful.

  • I had to break up with a gorgeous girl because her “dirty” talk was too frickin “pretty.” OOOOhhhh take my flower, my garden is flowing, taste my petal!!!
  • She had me meet her mom on the second date.Then she gave me a bad hand job and didn’t let me pay for dinner. It was weird.
  • The most beautiful girl I had ever seen. Bar none. I had been trying to get near her for weeks, then she came to a party at the house I shared with several other students. After 2 minutes of talking to her, I realised I had nothing in common with her. I wanted to get a commercial pilots licence, she was an eco-warrior who was opposed to anyone flying anywhere. I am an atheist; she was a soldier for Christ. The most massive crush I had ever had evaporated in that 2 minutes. No matter. Fifteen years later I named my daughter after her.
  • Dated a girl that at Mexican restaurants just pillaged salsa. Like dumped bowls of it on everything. I couldn’t even eat because I was in shock an awe at the site of a woman gorging on what had to be a whole tub of “oh my god are you seriously asking for more salsa? Your plate looks like a murder scene.”
  • I dated a guy a few times and ended up giving it the nope when I found out he was a Freegan. I was checking out his Facebook pictures and stumbled on his “Freegan” album with pictures of all of the foods he’d recently pulled from dumpsters.
  • When we would go grocery shopping she would pick up her frozen items first. What kind of maniac is ok with that? Who would want their frozen stuff to be melted ever?
  • Our first date, I thought he was a bit of a jerk anyway (only wanted to talk about himself, acted like he was smarter than me, rude to waitstaff, etc.), so at the end of the night, we both reached to pay. You always do the check dance, right? This jerkoff pulls his hand away and says, “Oh, thanks, hot stuff.” That was it for me. I grabbed my purse, smiled sweetly, threw my drink in his face, and walked out if the restaurant without a word.Edit: Did I mention he was an engineer making six figures?! Ok, maybe this is a legit reason, but really, at the end of the night, he wouldn’t do the check dance. YOU ALWAYS DO THE CHECK DANCE!!!
    • He might have been a jerk, but there was no reason to throw the drink in his face. He could have pressed charges for that.
  • She would never move the mouse out of the way while watching a youtube video
  • She was always “customizing” her orders in restaurants. She’d pick an item and by the time she was done telling the waitress what she wanted substituted, it was a completely different dish, and 15 minutes later.
  • I dated a woman who had no internal monologue. Everything that happened in her brain came spilling out of her mouth. We dated for 1 year. At first I thought it was cute. It was funny to have a look into what was going on inside her head. “OK should I do some laundry first or go to the gym and then do some laundry? Definitely gym first then I can put my gym clothes in the load of laundry I do. Great!!” After a while I realize that she went through the same internal/external monologue CONSTANTLY. Same questions. Same results. One day I snapped while she was talking her thoughts regarding a coworker she had an issue with. I said “Thoughts can happen in your head!!! They don’t need to be spoken. In fact, 90% of the thoughts you have….do not need to be spoken.” She responded with “What the hell are you talking about?” I had no idea she was completely oblivious to this behavior, and that was the last straw.
  • She told me she was going to give birth to a “food baby..”
  • Everytime her dog barked or cat meowed she would repeat it. Im not talking like in a cute voice either, she would try and match pitch/tone everything.
  • She stood at my bedroom door and watched me sleep. When I awoke she asked, “are you gonna still see other girls”?
  • I broke up with a girl right before Valentine’s Day because I didn’t have enough money to buy her a gift.
  • In the morning he put on a pair of boxers and as he was turned away from me I saw a huge shit stain right in the middle. I knew right there I was done.
  • Had to break up with a guy once because of his stupid white belt and endless supply of flip flops. The entry into the OC fandom was icing on the cake for this 35 year old child.
  • She walked at a stupidly fast pace and NEVER stopped for anything. I had trouble keeping with her absurdly Olympic march rhythm (i was a sprinter back in high school) while trying to enjoy the walk or the view. If i had the misfortune of needing to tie my shoes or worse, forgetting something home as i am just closing the door, i would have to get ready for a 1000m sprint because that’s the only way i would be able to catch up to her again. When i inquired her on why she would not stop, or at least slow down to wait for me, she said she had no idea what i meant, she was already slowing down as much as she could and that her “flow” would be disturbed if she went any slower…I stood there, while that sank in as she was moving further away in the horizon…3 hours later she decided to call to ask where i was but the deed was done.
  • My gf an I were watching tv with a few other couples. A show came on about Koko the gorilla that knows sign language. We were all commenting on how cool it was. Totally deadpan she turns to us and says that’s not cool the poor monkey is deaf.
  • I once broke up with a girl because she stepped in dog shit. Barefoot. And didn’t care.
  • because they were a clown, literally a clown who worked for ringling brothers and circus smirkus. they’re face is printed on a ringling brothers edition of a slot machine
  • I was in talks with this girl who used to split her food groups on her plate, then scoop/fork a bit of each and then put em in her mouth to “taste all the flavors combined at the same time” Why is someone dividing their food if its all going to end up in the same place mushed up together!?
  • I broke up with a girl because she still actively used AOL as her primary email address. In the year 2014 this is a character flaw that can not be ignored!
  • After sex she sat up in bed and ate a can of beans, cold, from the can.
  • She was a nazi.
  • we sat down to watch TV and every line that was clearly intended to be a joke, he would guffaw, turn to me, repeat the line and wait for me to laugh.
  • I worked with a guy who broke up with his girl friend just before Christmas because he didn’t want to buy her a gift. Then he got back together with her a little after New Years. I’m pretty sure he later ended up getting her sister pregnant (a few months – maybe a year later.) BTW he was in his early 30’s when this all happened.
  • watched Die Hard with a girl the first/only time we hung out. she said that it was a stupid movie.
  • He wouldn’t make any noise or indication when he ejaculated!
  • She came into my apartment and tried to fold my underwear. Nobody folds my underwear.
  • My favorite was when I cracked my eyes open while making out with a guy, just to see that he was dead-onstaring at the tv. And the worst part was it wasn’t anything good on like a sports game that I could make an excuse for. Just the fucking cooking channel. In retrospect I should’ve dropped his ass right there.
  • The guy wouldn’t eat any kind of meat without humming the Jurassic Park theme for a few seconds and then laugh about it, then eat some of it, then start over.
  • She was a vegetarian who ate her food in alphabetical order and refused to have different foods touching on her plate. First she would start with the asparagus. She would wipe the fork off and then move to the broccoli. Give it another wipe before eventually eating her carrots. Once you notice it, it’s almost impossible not to be annoyed by it.
  • he ordered chicken wings. When he was done, he individually licked each finger (whole finger, not just the tips) with a big slurp.
  • She would not pay attention while driving. I was scared out of my mind and talk about what she was seeing but NOT seeing it. Had never been in an accident by pure blind luck.One night she drove through a 5 point traffic light almost got hit by 3 cars and she raised her hand out the window, sorry…I snapped, broke, had a total break with reality and I could see myself screaming it was a total out of body experience. I she pulled over and I ran away screaming.
  • I was 35 at the time, she was 10 years younger. We were dating for about 3 months at this point and I was still learning things about her. Her family was out of town and she wanted me to come house sit with her. (We really just wanted to have some alone time etc. ) Anyway we were in a local Barnes & Noble and there was a stack of Hunger Games books (The movie just came out this was in 2012) and she totally FREAKED out. I asked her “What’s the big deal about these books.” Big Mistake.I should say she was the opposite of “The Close Talker”. She was a bit loud when speaking regularly, so the fact she was excited made her EVEN LOUDER. SO there we are in the Middle of a hushed bookstore and she’s telling me the whole plot of the Hunger Games, spoilers and all. I’m pretty sure the entire first floor heard every word she was saying to me. I was embarrassed and slightly amused by what was happening so it took me a while to tell her to keep her voice down, stop spoiling the book for everyone etc.SO we get to her house and she’s dying to watch the movie with me. I’m like whatever, I just wanted to chill and have some quiet time together. As the Disc is loading she’s going on and on and on telling me everything about the movie and the characters spoiling everything. Alarm bells are going off in my head but I’m ignoring them for whatever reason. We start watching and I’m trying my hardest to get into the movie but it just wasn’t my cup of tea. I’m trying to soldier it for her and partly because I wanna see what the fuss is about. She’s telling me she’s seen the movie 3 times while it was in theaters, 10+ times at home and read all the books.

    So about halfway thru My girl starts getting all anxious and saying “Oh god I can’t watch I can’t watch” I’m like… okay this better be good. Some little girl dies on screen and This girl loses it.

    Tears, like real tears, Mom died, father killed tears. I was on the couch frozen. She’s sobbing uncontrollably. I’m looking at her and looking at the screen, trying to comprehend what she’s so emotional about. Maybe I’m callous, but it just seemed so corny the way the girl died.. It was so predictable and ugh. I just couldn’t see the connection she was having with the character.. I couldn’t even console her, I was kinda mad even, partly disgusted. Like really? I’m sitting next to her and she’s bawling, reaching for tissues. I’m going over it in my head like Larry David. “Am I supposed to console her? these characters aren’t real!! You’ve seen this a million times, you knew what was coming, how the hell is this sad?? The character was barely introduced and she’s gone and you miss her? You built up a relationship to that character in less than 30 mins? To the point of uncontrollable tears??” It just disgusted me and pissed me off. It was just sooooo corny. I struggled trying to get the strength to put my arm around her. I think that was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life, is pretending to care at that moment. In my mind I was like Yup we’re done here. I decided to break up with her after that day.

  • She parked in handicapped parking spots just so she didn’t have to walk 15 more feet. I noped out of that relationship real quick
  • I wasn’t in a relationship with this girl, but I thought about going on a date with her after first meeting her. We hit it off. I got her number and she asked me through text what my last name was so she could put it in her contacts. I thought, “that’s reasonable”, but then I get a friend request from her on facebook – which in today’s world is kinda normal. BUT not even an hour after that, I get a friend request from her sister. Never met her sister. At first, I was like “that’s cute”, her sister is sending me a friend request. But I thought it not only kinda creepy but the primarily religious facebook groups that they were both apart of most creepy. Groups like “God’s children” and “Bible Wednesdays”. I realized right then and there that I made a mistake.
  • The parking near her apt in SF sucked
  • I broke off a relationship because they were bald and I didn’t find out until the first time we had sex. About two weeks later at a friend’s party, I was very inebriated and yelling out “he’s bald” through tears of laughter and pain. He was standing right behind me.
  • On our third date or so, I took her to guardians of the galaxy and she FELL ASLEEP. She said it wasn’t a “good story” and she “didn’t like chris patt because he was bad in parks and rec”
  • Family were Notre Dame fans.
  • She slept with a pot holder on her right hand. It was a childhood thing, some technique her parents used to get her to stop sucking her thumb. She was 26. We’d have sex, we’d be post coital, she’d kiss me goodnight and reach for the potholder.
  • I stopped talking to a woman after I found out she was allergic to peanut butter.
  • He didn’t like hummus. I’m part Lebanese, I need my hummus.
    • My boyfriend doesn’t like hummus. I get to eat all of the hummus. I can eat it with a spoon and double dip. I can drag my finger around inside the container and lick it. I can buy any flavor I like, spicy or not. Who cares?! It’s all mine! Life is good, I tell you.
  • She ate sushi with a fork.
  • It was 2008 and the Presidential debates were on. He couldn’t understand why they were discussing Iraq and Afghanistan. Had no clue we had been at war.
  • He was legitimately convinced the saying was “For all intensive purposes”. Any time someone would say “intents and purposes” he would go on a douchey rant about how people just don’t care for the English language anymore. I tried explaining why his way didn’t make sense, showed him countless resources and he still denied it. The final straw was when he berated and insulted my mom over it. I told him his purposes were too intense for me…he didn’t get it.
  • She couldn’t make toast.
  • She said YOLO too much.
  • Her futon bed was too hard.
  • I broke up with a girl I dated for a few months in college because she always said “whatevs” instead of “whatever.”
  • Kept his nails long (like really long) so he could itch his body and pick his nose.
  • She would sing songs but either didn’t know the lyrics, or if she did was just a little behind
  • Scraped his teeth on silver wear while he was eating. Forks and spoons, scraped with teeth. I can still hear that metal-on-teeth sound.
  • I broke up with because even after I told her I had limited text messages and didn’t want to have to pay the extra message fees, continued to text me. So when I got the bill and I was .10 cents I over it was time for us to be over… She had also reached the one month performance assessment and was found to be unsatisfactory. We broke up four days before my birthday which she had made me a blanket as a gift. My dog loves it.
  • She liked Elvis, hated the Beatles, and thought G.W. was a good president.
  • She clipped her toe-nails in bed.
  • He was a spoon whittler. No relationship just a single date. We were walking through campus after a nice dinner when things took a bad turn. He started picking up sticks and told me he was collecting them to whittle spoons. He took me back to his dorm to show me his spoons. He whittled only spoons. No knives or forks, just spoons. He also wore a creepy turtleneck with a weird button down sweater vest. Also he was in his late 20s living in a college dormitory.
  • He wore white tube socks to bed. I dealt with it for a week. One week.
  • I once broke up with someone because she didn’t know where oil comes from.She was in her mid 20’s. She’d graduated college and had a successful career, but all I could think about was the hollow sound every future conversation we’d have would contain, all because she couldn’t put “fossil” and “fuel” together.
  • I dumped a guy in high school because he would bring me whatever I wanted for lunch. No matter what I wanted he would bring it. I once asked for a large amount of tacos(some for friends) and he brought them all assuming they were just for me. I couldn’t date someone who would blindly support gluttony.

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Playoffs? You Talking About the Playoffs?

A lot of people noticed that all 4 road teams won this past weekend, which might seem like an anomaly given the preference to home field advantage that most people assume exists.

I think in most cases, the better teams just came out on top, and one of the major factors in that are actually the QBs and their experience.

Compare the 2 sets, those who won vs those who lost.

In playoff starts, here is the experience of the past weekend’s losing team’s QBs in the playoffs.

Cousins 0-0
Hoyer 0-0
McCarron 0-0
Bridgewater 0-0

Not a single one has ever started a playoff game, and with the exception of Cousins who played in garbage time 4 years ago, none had ever even played in a playoff game either.

Now look at the QBs who were behind center on the winning teams.

Smith 1-2
Roethlisberger 10-5
Wilson 6-2
Rodgers 7-5

24-14 in playoff starts, and 4 super bowl wins by those QBs.

38 Starts to 0 starts in those QB matchups.

That’s what the difference really was in those games.

Also, interesting point of note, until the Redskins/Packers game on Sunday evening, not a single team had scored a 1st half touchdown on offense.

Now this weekend?

This is how the scheduled QBs stand for playoff history.

Smith 1-2 vs Brady 21-8
Roethlisberger 10-5 vs Manning 11-13
Wilson 6-2 vs Newton 1-2
Rodgers 7-5 vs Palmer 0-2

There are 9 SB wins in that group of QBs.

Based on playoff history and success of the QBs playing this weekend, would anyone be surprised if the winners are GB, NE, PIT, SEA?

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Basic Life Skills

The world is an interesting place nowadays, and based on my own choices along with circumstances and luck, I have noticed a staggering trend among many many people.

I am not a parent, I am not an educator(formally anyway), but both of those are to blame for this trend since they are the ones who pass this on to the next generation.

Life skills, and I am talking about the simple ones are lost on so many people. These are simple skills that everyone should have whether they want to use them or not. They are the foundation of the majority of our basic ability to survive in our modern world. Some of them date back thousands of years, some 100 years, and some only 10 or 15, but they are all skills that every person should be aware of and understand.

I am going to create a list of these skills down below, and I am going to create a post about each one(someday if I ever remember to anyway), some will be very short posts, others will be long and extensive, hopefully explaining how to accomplish learning this skill. This will be an ever evolving list as well, please, if you have a skill that you think of that is missing, please let me know!

I am aware that this post will make me sound like an angry old man talking about back in the day before I was yelling at kids to get off my lawn, but in reality, I am not angry, I am more sad. This is not totally a generational thing, because there are people of generations older than me that don’t have some of these skills either.

Here is my list(so far):

  1. Sewing, nothing complex but some basics that can be expanded if you want.
    • Sew a button
    • Hem pants or skirt
    • Fix small hole
  2. Cook, nothing complex, but some basics that can be expanded if you want but are enough to survive without existing on take-out.
    • Follow a recipe.
    • Bacon
    • Scrambled Eggs
    • Grilled Cheese
    • Hamburger
    • French Toast
    • Chicken
    • Mashed Potatoes
  3. Car Related
    • Change a tire.
    • Change a wiper blade
    • Jump start a car.
    • Drive a manual transmission.
  4. Personal Finance
    • Balance a checkbook.
    • Figure out a budget.
    • Understand how credit and credit cards work.
  5. Use a computer
    • Browse the internet.
    • Search the internet.
    • Email Use.
  6. Personal Hygein
    • Brush your teeth.
    • Shower.
  7. Fold a fitted/contour sheet.
  8. Use a toilet plunger.

This list does need to be expanded, please help me with some ideas on some basic skills all humans should have in this world.

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Prospector Potatoes

So, I have been experimenting with this so it is not perfect yet, but it’s a really good start and they are easy to make.

They use just one pan, a large black cast iron frying pan. I named them prospector potatoes because I always imagine a prospector wandering around with his donkey and having the fry pan hanging off the pack somewhere. Plus it’s easy and can be cooked over an open fire as well.

Ingredients:

  • 4-5 medium size potatoes
  • 2-3 carrots
  • 2 cups corn
  • 2 medium size yellow onions
  • 1/4 lb bacon(thick cut)
  • 1-3 tablespoons of diced or chopped garlic.
  • salt and pepper
  • vegetable oil
  1. Cut the bacon into small pieces and put it into a black fry pan on the stove top. Cook it on a medium heat to render off the fat as well as cook the bacon. Turn on the oven to 400° while the bacon is cooking and move to step 2 and keep an eye on the stove at the same time.
  2. Take the potatoes and cut out any large “eyes” and any bad spots, if you use red potatoes I leave the skin on, if russet then I partially peel them. and cut them up into large chunks, usually in half the long way and then cut em into inch wide pieces.  Toss into a large bowl.
  3. Take the onion, cut them in half top to bottom, then cut off the ends and peel away the outside layer. Then quarter the halves and add them to the bowl with the potatoes. The bigger the pieces of onion the better.
  4. Peel the carrot and cut into large pieces, about half the size of the potatoes and add to the bowl.
  5. Take the pieces of bacon out of the fry pan and leave the bacon grease in it.
  6. Take the bowl of potatoes, onion and carrots and toss 1-2 tablespoons of oil onto them, and the 1-3 tablespoons of diced or chopped garlic, then sprinkle with a healthy dose of the salt and pepper, then mix is all around.
    • I personally like to use a little sea salt and kosher salt along with a mixture of fine ground white pepper and cracked black pepper.
    • You can also add other seasonings here, like some Mrs. Dash or Lemon or Northwoods or just some paprika or cayenne or whatever flavor style you might want. I would suggest just salt and pepper the first time to see how that comes out and then adjust the profile later for other meals.
  7. Add the potatoes, onions and carrots to the fry pan and then put it in the oven.
  8. Every 10 minutes, take them out and stir them around with a spatula.
  9. After 20-25 minutes, check the potatoes by stabbing with a fork, if the potatoes are mostly soft throughout but have a slight bit of firmness in the middle, they have about 10-15 minutes left to cook.
  10. Add the bacon and stir them up, then add the corn over the top and put it back into the oven.
  11. Check in 10 minutes and see if the potatoes are done, and check the carrots just for being done as well. If not, stir it all around with a spatula and put it back into the oven for another 5-10.

Once done, serve along side whatever your protein is and you have a mixture of everything.

I will admit, they don’t always look the best, but they really do taste pretty awesome.

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Road Trip Roadkill Count

So here is is, my road kill count… These are based on what I am able to identify it as when I ride by it.

Deer: 23

Raccoon: 17(5 were in one spot, mom and 4 babies)

Skunk: 8

Woodchuck: 2

Rabbit: 82 – it was insane riding through Wyoming, they were everywhere, at one point it was like a slalom course.

Opossum: 14

Large bird(some type of hawk or similar bird of prey): 11

Seagull: 4

Beaver: 2

Cat: 5

Small Dog: 1

Large Dog: 1

Cow: 1

Elk: 1

Large animal unable to be identified: 9

Small animal unable to be identified: 29

Large pavement marks but no body: 45

Small pavement marks but no body: 32

Skunk smell but not see: 9

 

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Road Trip Day Four

This was day 4

 

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Road Trip Day Three

So, this was the first REAL day of my road trip, the first two  were the weekend before and their goal was just to get me to Indianapolis where I would spend 3 days working, and then kick off the real road trip from almost halfway across the country for the stuff I actually care about seeing more than just “wasting” my time driving past stuff instead of experiencing it.

So, my day started off early, I got packed up and out on the road. Most of this day was also just busy travel, I headed out from Indy on the main highway to hit up Chicago to see Kelly for lunch. Traffic was pretty smooth for the most part right up until I got on Rt. 90 to go into Chicago to meet her at her work, such is life.

I went to college with Kelly and she is from MA originally but moved out to Chicago a few years ago, so I don’t see her as much as I used to, so I take the opportunity when it presents itself. I met her at work and we went for lunch at a burger place she recently found and it was pretty awesome. I had a bacon wrapped burger that was also  served with 4 strips of bacon on top of it with the lettuce, tomato and onion, ON A PRETZEL BUN. AWESOME. I do love me giant soft pretzels!

So I left her back to work and headed out on my way. I shouldn’t have set the GPS to avoid highways yet on my trip, because of that setting, it took me the worst possible way out of Chicago I think, anyway, it took me over 2 hours to go 19 miles before I was out of traffic. Thankfully my bike isn’t air cooled otherwise I probably would have over heated. I definitely saw some sketchy parts of Chicago on the way.

I then cruised through the Illinois countryside and into the Iowa countryside, crossed the Missisippi River and got to Cedar Rapids that night, where I stayed with a nice woman, her husband and their son via couchsurfing.com. I stayed on an air mattress in their computer room because they had another couchsurfer who was staying in their guest room. They were super nice and I was unfortunately super tired so I wasn’t super sociable with them as I normally would have been, but I spent some time in the morning talking and chatting about things prior to leaving. I really like the site, just wish most people were a little less flaky and it worked better for super short notice, but oh well.

This is about the route that I took to get from start to finish, just for personal privacy I didn’t put the exact addresses of where I stayed, but you can click on the picture to bring you to an interactive map at Google Maps.

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Road Trip Day Two

Well, I woke up and most stuff was dry, so that was good and it wasn’t raining!

I packed up and was ready to go by about 8:15, which was really good. I had a good amount of distance to travel today, so I need to get going early.

Since there was no rain, I put the fullface under the seat and put on the half helmet instead, much more comfortable to begin with and I skipped the rain pants because they aren’t the most comfortable and the legs ride up a little because the inseam isn’t long enough and my lower legs and boots get SOAKED.

Well, I got soaked anyway, the rain started lightly about 5 minutes after I pulled out of the parking lot and onto the highway. I knew there was some light rain in the area, so when it was light I was expecting it, and I was traveling west, which was going to have me drive out of the rain more quickly since I was going in the opposite direction the storm was moving. It didn’t matter, I was soaked to the bone in about 30 minutes or so. Initially just my lower legs and then it started to creep up and eventually every bit of my jeans were completely and utterly soaked, you could tell by the change in color of them, but you could tell they were completely saturated when they wouldn’t absorb any more water and it was just puddling up and running off my legs.

Fortunately, around 10:30 or 11, the rain tapered off and while the sun didn’t really come out, there were some small breaks in the clouds and it thinned out to let more light through, which warmed thing up and when I put my feet up on the highway pegs I was able to get mostly dried off.

Then when I was mostly dry, it rained again, but only a quick one for about 20 minutes, but it was enough to get me plenty went again, although it did lead to more sun and more warmth to dry me off more.

Then it rained again for about 20 minutes, and the cycle repeated itself.

Finally, around 1pm it stopped raining for me and the sun came out. It was wonderful! Warm sun, cool breeze, and dry roads that I could just cruise on. I did come to a realization while I was riding both on the dry and on the wet roads, it’s not my riding skill that I have any doubts about. I am confident in every aspect of my skill and abilities while riding. Do you know what I don’t have confidence in? My equipment, aka the bike and the tires more than anything.

My confidence is definitely rising in the equipment. At first, I was hesitant with turns because I still have flashbacks from the Europe trip when my front tire kicked out and the bike went down and I hit a car, with my leg pinned between the muffler and bumper of the car. However, after a significant amount of time riding, I became much better with dealing the wet pavement, counter steering and leaning with the turns at speed versus slowing down.

I traveled 725 miles on this day, it was almost an 11 hour day riding, I stopped for gas 5 times versus only once on the trip the day before.

I was almost annoyed when there was a mild spitting of rain when I had about 15 minutes left in my trip, but it was only quick and I didn’t show up completely soaking wet.

A few other things I realized, saw, or thought of on this day…

  • While I did not buy them because of the OCC branding on them, the orange tinted safety glasses I got are possibly one of the best riding glasses I have owned, not too much tint, but enough to cut glare and clear up sight. They also have no leakage, no bright color spots where there are gaps because they fit close to the face, like proper safety glasses should. They also stand up to small bits of sand and such that get kicked up by other vehicles.
  • Too many people don’t realize how much water is kicked up off the road when they are wet by their cars, even when not raining and they need to not pull back into a lane in front of a motorcycle as closely as they do, I am wet enough already, I don’t need you adding more to it!
  • It was really weird seeing a “Baltimore Orioles, AL East Champions” billboard in the middle of nowhere in Western PA.
  • That awkward moment when you are completely trusting of your GPS to be guiding you when all of a sudden you enter West Virginia when you think your next state in Ohio. Then you remember about that weird little shoot of WV that sticks up the western side of PA.
  • Irony of being cut off and almost hit by a vehicle with multiple “Check Twice for Motorcycles” stickers on it.
  • While I dislike grooved pavement being prepped for paving, I hate it when it’s wet even more.
  • I am not sure if there are more porn and adult toy “dens” along the highway in Ohio or fireworks stores.
  • I giggled all 3 times I saw the sign “Entering Licking County”
  • I saw 3 completely closed and shuttered Harley Davidson dealerships on the trip off the side of the highway.

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Road Trip Day One

Well, I got out a little later on day one than I wanted to, my initial plan was to leave between 8 and 9 in the morning, but I was realistic in my expectations to leave between 8 and 11 in the morning, however, in my traditional family style, I left about 11:30. Why be on time?

So things didn’t go as quickly as I had hoped. First, I had to stop in Shrewsbury at my baseball team’s manager’s house to drop him off an iPad and charger that we use for scoring the games. While we keep a book, the iPad just makes the stats easier to see and thus easier for him to not have to calculate them, and he can get them uploaded to the website a little quicker. Plus, while I am gone I think one of my teammate’s 8 year old son is going to be doing a lot of the score keeping, and he is much better on the ipad than he is with the actual book keeping score.

So, got that dropped but it wasn’t a stop totally out of the way, only added about 15-20 minutes to the trip, the real problem was the traffic on the mass pike. It was brutal, way worse than I was expecting for a Saturday, if it had been Friday I could have understood, but was rather annoying, although it did help me get used to managing the weight of the bike with all the gear at slower speeds. Much easier to manage when traveling quickly and you have the help of the bike to keep things on the level.

Then, a little over halfway through CT the rain started, it was light at first but I pulled over under a bridge and suited up. My raincoat, my bright orange rain pants, and my full face helmet. Fortunately, I chose not to attach the full face to the spot under the seat because I would have had to completely unpack almost everything to get it off the bike, and that would be no fun on the side of the highway.

Boy did it really start to rain though, I charged on though, pushed and pushed, got wetter and wetter. I actually ended up stopping a little bit early in the rain because I realized it wasn’t going to let up, and my gear wasn’t actually waterproofed, so I spent $20 at a truck stop to buy a 4’x8′ tarp that I then folded in half and bungy cord tied it around my gear, there was a small opening on the top of the back, but I figured physics would help me out given that it wouldn’t be able to have much water fall into it with me traveling at speed, which is the same reason why even though my GPS is not technically covered, it’s within an inch or two of the windshield which means any water that falls behind it will end up hitting my tank instead because the GPS moves too far horizontally while the water is falling vertically, so there is a small triangle of space that never gets hit with water.

So, after a total of 6 hours or traffic, stops and rain I realized it was time to stop for the night, sadly I had only gone about 250 miles, a tad off from the 400-450 I was hoping to make the first day. So I vowed to make it into PA and then to just stop at the first Hilton brand hotel I came across since I could use points an it wouldn’t cost me anything.

There it was, Hampton Inn, my savior, but on top of being hard to get to because there were no signs and the roads were annoying, I had another problem. While I was pretty sure I knew the answer, I asked the front desk anyway; “Can I book with points through you, or do I need to do it online?” She responds, “you need to either call Hilton or o it online.” “No problem” I say as I pull out my phone and start to look for my Hilton app, which I apparently don’t have on my new phone, and then she interrupts me and says “but that won’t do you any good, we are completely booked up for the night.”

Say WHAT?!?!?

I was truly shocked that a Hampton Inn in this area would be sold out, any Hampton Inn really, but apparently there were 2 large weddings in the area, and many of the people going were staying there. Well shoot… alright… internet save me now!

I went to Priceline and did a local search to see what I could find for a place to stay, found a place that looked a little sketchy, but the price was a little higher than I wanted, but given the scarcity of rooms in the area, I just took the opportunity to get a place to sleep and dry out for the night.

Got there, got myself unloaded and then instead of using my bike cover, I just used the tarp I had to cover the bike and tied it down with those tiny little bungees with the ball on them I never think I would use, but can’t not put in my bag of stuff because they are so small they aren’t a hassle.

Then came the drying out of everything.

I cranked the heat and put the ironing board at a low level to help dry out my jeans while I hung out in shorts, and then I put the hair dryer into my boot to get that all dried out.

Then I just laid down for awhile to dry out my brain and my body.

Then I decided to repack everything to alter where things were based on what I would need to access during the trip and what I would need at night.

Then I slept… I slept really well!

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